Thursday, November 26, 2009

People

I read something today that had me a little irritated. And then, it made me laugh.
People and horses have been my psychology professors.
And you know what?
We don't all click.

Sometimes, people are just too strong for me. Too needy. Too consumptive. The only way I can explain it is some people are very discordant in their emotional harmonies. And they just set my teeth on edge and my last nerve ajangle.
And politeness dictates that you cannot just say, oh for fucks sake will you get away from me!?!"

Many of the horses that have come into my life have suffered this same difficulty.
People who determine to have them because of how they think they will feel if they can master this beast.
And they end in a ditch or some other place.

I believe it is essential to have a good understanding of your own self. Before you take your show on the road soliciting investors.
Because that is what you are doing when you determine to create or enlarge your social group.

There are many things in life that cannot, and therefore, should not be forced. Relationships are at the top of the list.
I like my men and my horses the same way. Solid and reliable. And relatively easy keepers.
I can live without all of the flash. And choose to.
My children are like colts. A world of potential and it is a given that they will pull their fair share of stupid shit. But the theory is they will grow up and into themselves someday.

My business relationships are defined by fair dealing or we are done. And please do not ever fuck me over that I feel inclined, why downright honor bound even, to return the favor.
If, I can't trust you? I don't want you.

My friends? Are my one and only frivolity and luxury. It is my treat and my pleasure to be in those relationships.
So if, too needy and too consumptive are defining characteristics of a person?
Chances are they do not qualify as a friend in my world.
They should allow tax deductions for dependents that one has not given birth to.
Thank God I still have my sense of humor.
In fact, that is one of my defining characteristics.

So slash my tires, lie, write in what you believe to be a very cleverly disguised manner, and in general make a nuisance of yourself.
That defines you. Not me. And goes a very long way towards explaining why you did not make the cut.
Because, as I stated, if I cannot trust you? I do not want you.

I am and have always been truly blessed in my friends. I suffer from no confusion as to who they are.
I also know what kind of friend I am.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Who Do I Hate...and why.

No one. Takes too much time and effort. And there is no one who is worth the sacrifice of your soul. At least, not if you hate them.
I get annoyed.
And there are some people that I might wish would fall into a very deep hole.
But hate?
Uh huh.

Hate is expensive. And consuming. It colors everything. And not in the best of light.
It is ugly.
And causes the hater to become ugly as well.

So, there is the answer to the question of who do I hate. And why.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Lessons and Blessings. Counting them both...

This past week has cemented much for me in my understanding of many things. The lessons are not so hard to take when you are able to recognize the blessings that accompany them.

I have some amazing friends. Who do the most amazing things when I am not expecting it.
Things that let me know they are thinking of me. Things that let me know that they have taken time out of their day to brighten mine.
Kind and supportive words. The sharing of ideas. And allowing me to take good long looks at them when I need to because sometimes people scare me.

And sometimes, when I look closely, I am stunned by what others seem to have missed.
Maybe because it is more precious to me.
The gifts of true friendship are gold to me. And treated and treasured as such.

There have been a few who have stopped at nothing in their attempts to take this from me.
I guess they don't realize that they cannot.
And there has been much complaining about why her? Why does she get this precious treasure?
Because I am blessed. There is no other explanation.

Except maybe one. I do not have a jealous or covetous heart. I love my friends and want the very best for them.
The very best...

And I think maybe that shows. Because it isn't something that can be faked. I know this because they make me feel the same way.
I can't count the times I have been humbled by an email or a phone call.
My family takes great joy in bringing me the mail these days.
And I am their TV.

Watching me rub my face in the fleece of fly masks made with thought and care for me and mine. After squealing loud and long in excitement.
Reading a letter over and over and putting it in my keepsake box.
Having 2 friends work together to see me get another gift I very much wanted. But could not afford.

Having people say, "I sure wish you lived closer to me." And saying those same words to others.
And knowing that they are meant.

I have said it before, humbling me is as simple as an act of kindness. Acts of leverage or attempts to use me as your poster child of Look at Me! Look what I did for the societal reject?
Not even remotely the same. Those are offerings meant to demean and destroy.
I can recognize the difference. And so can others.

When I do something for a friend or anyone I have also made the determination to do it quietly. And in good faith that I did what I felt was right.
There is no expectation of payment for that. Nor, do I publicize it.
Sometimes people need help. Why would I attempt to shame them for doing so all while claiming to be their savior?
That is not a savior or a friend. That is an opportunist.

I find it offensive that anyone would look at my situation and determine to break up my assets of love and friendship like some at risk airlines pension fund in a hostile buyout.
See? I told you my friends are gold. To do the above and claim to be one is an insult. To everyone involved.

And here is another thought. People are attracted to and by different things. My friends. My man. My business associates.
All of them see something in "me." Something that attracts them to "me."
How hard is that to understand? Unless, you are the predator attempting to raid my hen house.
Well...the three little pigs were not buying the program and neither am I.
So huff and puff away.
My house stands...
And it is golden.

Have a Wonderful Sunday everyone...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

At What Price Are You Bought And Sold?

I have found the empty words "I Love You" have always been a mainstay in the selling of ones soul, honor, pride, dignity.
It starts early. The planting of those seeds.
The harsh words said with no thought for how they may affect. GO AWAY!!! BE QUIET!!! IF YOU DON'T STOP CRYING I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!!!
How stupid can you be!?! I do not even want to look at you.
What is wrong with you?

Why do people say things like this to children? Have they forgotten how bewildering and hurtful they can be?
And here are some more. Do you really NEED that? If you eat that you are going to get fat. Why can't you be like your sister? What is wrong with you? I just don't know what to do with you.

Well...I went away because you told me to. I did it quietly. I cried myself to sleep and I did not hear you call. And now you are only beating me because you love me and I scared you.
I am very stupid and I am sorry. I am crying because you are hurting me and now I have a stutter because every time I try to answer one of your questions you slap my face.
So no...I don't know what is wrong with me. And I don't want to look at you either when you are screaming and hurting me because it scares me.

I have not even begun and I am thinking already that being raised by wolves is looking better by the minute.

Now let's review. I am stupid. I am fat. I will never be as good as my sister. And there must be something terribly wrong with me because you want me to go away, and you don't want to look at me. You appear to gain some enjoyment from giving me something to cry about judging by the frequency with which you do.

Who sends this kind of a message to a child? This is the part where the reader needs to remember I am not alone.
I am neither the first, nor unfortunately, will I be the last, to have heard these words.

Small wonder by the age of 18 I had a drug addiction, was anorexic and bulimic, I was doing a rather stellar job of overcoming the stutter though.
I had also been majorically on my own and responsible for my own support for about 3 years by that time.
Met many more predators, and been disillusioned completely with regard to the concept of family.

I also had a pretty good clue what was wrong with me too. I was surrounded by some seriously fucked up people. And the reality is, they were people. Long before they were assigned an honorary title involving the care and governance of me.

Still a sucker for the empty phrase "I Love You" though.

To this day, if I allow it, I can still hear the words. And to this day, even with full knowledge of the portions that had nothing to do with me, it can still hurt, if I allow it.
When I am stressed, tired, or have anxiety about how what I say may be received, I stutter.
Thanks Mom. Talk about a gift for life. But hey you kept your word. Because you sure did give me a lot to cry about.
Kiss kiss and I love you too. And I still don't know what is wrong with me I am working on it though.

I forgave a long time ago. The forgetting doesn't come so easy though. Mom eventually overcame her prescription drug habit. That was cool. I am proud of her.
She still can't stand the sight of me though.
Because she remembers too. And it makes her sick. So, I guess we both know how bad it really was.
The good news is, it is all in the past now.
That sounds so simple doesn't it?

The problem is, I can't take a bath, shave my legs, push up the sleeves of my shirt, or look in the mirror without remembering just how much I was loved.

I did eventually learn to duck. And there did come a time when I fought back.

We have a rule in my family. The family and the rule I made. Hands are for helping not hurting. It is huge...
We have some rowdy tempers and we may yell and say some harsh things to each other from time to time.
But hands are for helping not hurting...
And that is simple. As simple as saying it and meaning it. And why would anyone want to make their babies cry?
That part is the most simple. Just don't do it...

Monday, October 12, 2009

Stars In My Crown...And Letting Them Shine...


I don't know about anyone else but...when I was a kid Alice in Wonderland scared the shit out of me.
I was partially raised by someone who had some untreated mental illness and a prescription drug habit gone bad.
There were some crazy scenes in real life that involved me apparently not being The Queen. Whatever the hell that meant.
For some reason that seemed to be a reoccurring theme. Wicked stepmothers, Mommy Dearest types, and some random players that I never did understand who or what they might be channeling.
So, Alice in Wonderland seemed a whole lot more like some type of subliminal warning than a good read to me.

Since losing another treasure some of this has been on my mind. Can't seem to outwork or outrun it.
Let's just summarize and say I prefer my faerytales with happy endings. Or, is it beginnings?
Well...I think people know what I mean.

And have you ever noticed that no matter how bad the bad there is always good mixed in?
The new farm. That is huge. The house is beautiful. So much closet space for a girl who has not had more than 3 little closets total in the last 4 dwellings.
I think He heard me. There was much bitching, praying, and despair over lack of storage issues.
Scratch think and change it to "know."
I hope he hears my prayers for the grand old house that has embraced my family for the last few years.

And today I get an email. And the person who wrote it told me to put the stars in my crown and let them shine.
OMG!!! Can I just say that after I gathered the courage to come out from under the table(call it a flashback)I decided it was finally safe to do just that.
I hope she knows that she is definitely one of them.

I am tired of being afraid to just declare my position. Being fearful of the consequences of letting anyone in. Because God only knows what tomorrow may bring.
You see my biggest weakness is also my greatest strength. Gift or curse I have always been able to love. Even with a complete absence of trust.
I just do it quietly.
I ran out of cheeks to turn what seems like eons ago.

I think what is really weighing on me is a promise I made. It seems so much more pressing these days. Here in the now.
Over the years and even now, people have been after me to write the book.
I won't lie I had many reasons to put it off. Not wanting to revisit some of those places ranking very high on the list of why not now.
The thing is, I do not want to lose one more treasure to this thing we as people sometimes do to each other.
And even if, I were able to start and finish tomorrow, and everyone read it tomorrow, there will still be more loss. I just might not know the names.

And I do not know about anyone else but I am more weary of the loss than I am afraid of the consequences these days.
Another friend has often stated, "no one gets out free."
That is a huge truth. And a sometimes, devastating one. And in part, a bit of what has made me say, if only to myself, "Why Bother? Nothing you do will ever change that."

The thing is, I am not alone in this. I have never been alone in this. Child abuse is a terrible thing. With lifelong consequences.
For all parties.
There sure has been a lot of mileage come from the whole "Don't Tell" themes.
Maybe, I can't. Stop it. But maybe...just maybe...I can help someone else survive it.

And for all of you wonky bitches that lurk here, there, and everywhere I seem to be?
Newsflash...I see through you like clear glass.
It is just unfortunate that you chose to become what you at some point suffered.
Because you obviously did not get out free or you would not be burdened by such hate.

It has been a long time coming and thank God I have a fabulous therapist to keep me sane through this trip.
Like I said, the whole Alice in Wonderland thing scares the shit out of me.

Fern if there is anything to divvy up you can have a sizeable chunk to put wherever you think it will best serve.
I can't think of or do everything myself. And thank God and good friends I don't have to...

*places MY crown firmly on my head and declares self a princess* Commences waiting for others to do the same.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Hey Girl...I am going to be missing you...

I remember Christmas. Or, was it the gathering of the jackals? Laugh long and loud and just don't care.
It was always Christmas for us wasn't it?

We who never quite came up to snuff. And we both got silk jackets. And everyone was watching and ohhhing and ahhhing. Wasn't it funny? Even when they came close to getting it right it could never be a fit.

Because they never bothered to look close enough to see who was who.

I remember our babies lying side by side on their kingsize bed. One dark and one light. And both so very beautiful. They could not see that either.
Oh well...

I remember your laughter. How it lit up your eyes before bubbling over. And there was no stopping us then.
No apologies from you. There never should have been. No harm and no foul.
Not from you. Never from you.

Well...even though, I know it was never your plan, they are crying now. Their big crocodile tears. You were such a wonderful person you know.
I always knew that. I hope I always let you know that...

I do not know how Ray will go about from here. We shall have to wait and see. Aaron left much of this far behind. It would be my hope that he continues to do so.
Lauren? Hmmmm...it is my hope that mine will bring comfort to your's.

No one told me. Big surprise that. I would have come you know. No...it was the Old Man drinking and weeping that spilled to my girl.
Self-pity, so sad, stock in trade when things go wrong. /and the guilt gets the best of him.

I always laughed with you. I was always warmed by you. And I always admired your beautiful spirit.
And if, I am ever called upon to do so, those are the things I will share with your babes.

I am sorry that it hurt so bad. I am sorry that it never quite worked the way you hoped. Mostly, I am sorry that you are gone.
But I loved you then. And I love you now. And I will say more than one prayer that you found peace. And a place where you are known as you really are.

In loving memory of my sister Naomi...

Friday, October 2, 2009

Why Now and What Next???

I have been trying to hold my peace. And fighting the challenge of all of the negativity.
I would love to say that I am winning.
But it does not feel that way.
I am quietly furious and openly overwhelmed.

But in a way that is okay. It is a rare thing that evil exposes itself so openly.
I have not felt the need to defend myself against the accusations.
But I am still quietly furious that it would dare.
Silly me.

I do not know what I am to do next. I keep telling myself that God has a plan.
Wish he would let me in on it.
I want to expend my energy on productive things. I want to roll up my sleeves and know that I am plunging into a new future.
Not roll up my sleeves and goose step through more knee deep shit.

I honestly do not know what comes next. I have never initiated litigation against anyone.
No matter the provocation. But this one has me tempted.
More than tempted.
And I ask myself why now?

I am better than this. I have always been better than this. So why now?

Is it because they were so obvious? Is it because they mistook my kindness for weakness? Or, is it because they tried to steal from me in a manner intended to destroy me?

I am not sure but I think it is the last part that chafes me the most. I will find my center of balance. I really will. Soon I hope.
I just want to say some very unpleasant things and my common sense says why now?
What will it serve?
And therein lies the crux of it.

I have pretty much given up the part of me that verbally shreds the lessor endowed. I already know I win the verbal shit fests.
But do I really? Win that it is?
Because it was always a goal of mine to help people be better.

And in the end my only question is, WHERE is my Island???

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Sunday morning words of wisdom...

Be kind to each other. Even when it is hard. It counts the most then... I do not always succeed in this endeavor.
In fact, I sometimes willfully and full knowledge throw kindness to the wind.

That is mine to own.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Banging the mouse...

Sorry HP I had to borrow that. It is so inclusive of communication today as expressed by some.
I have been watching so many try to impress others with their use of big words, punctuation, and tres fabulous manners of condescension.
I guess that some have not learned yet, that simply expressing the truth has the power to establish intelligence. Even if, your vocabulary isn't huge or maybe you do not spell well.
The same with wisdom.

I have been witnessing this phenomena of feigned intelligence for some time now.
It isn't designed to solve problems or unite people.
It is designed to deceive. Even the user. Or perhaps, especially the user.
I sent an opening volley recently on my other blog. Oh my...the two that stepped to the debate made short work of me.
Because while they have showed theirs I have yet to show mine.

It wasn't really possible with all the inference to my lack of intelligence and irresponsible use of public media.
Yes, because I am far too obtuse to grasp that their way is the only way.
Why is it that people who claim to be invested in solving problems always want to cheat the communication?

I will say this, if, that is what I am up against, I can rest easy. I need not even condition for this race.
The race to end the prolonging of suffering.
Because to me that is what is truly important.
Positive efforts to communicate would have gone a long way towards convincing me of their investment.

Unfortunately, the arrogance once again got in the way.
Eli left me an amazing gift that I have yet to fully embrace and understand how to use.
He left me with a more stern determination. Not a bunch of wing flapping misdirected squawking passion.
Just a single minded determination to keep plowing the row assigned me.
Which goes a very long way towards explaining why I no longer spend as much time banging the mouse.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

This Old Man...


He went home...He was a good horse. And that is high and well deserved praise...
Parting really is sweet sorrow.

Rest in Peace Eli 8-4-2009

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The day after.

I am afraid to go outside and face this first day after. I know he won't meet me at the corner of the house to begin our work.
I know this.
I know that this first day after will be the beginning of moving on.
And forgetting.
That always happens no matter how hard you try to hold on to the memories.

Upon waking my first thought was, "He is gone."
And I began to think of just exactly how big of a part of my life he was.
And the work that he did in his too short life.
Followed of course by the memory of pulling the trigger.
I can't focus on that. It haunts me already.

The dogs claimed by me as mine have been few. And I have been truly blessed in that they have been extraordinary.
Truly...

There was Shannon the Champion field hunting Irish Setter. My companion, teacher, and guardian of my childhood.

Sheba the Shepard Timber Wolf cross who was the protector, teacher, and guardian of my daughter and our farm.

Mela the white wolf pup.

And Nelson. The guardian of all. My companion and work partner. My friend.

As, I head out to begin this day, I know he is gone. And in the way of life, moving on, and the beginning of forgetting, I know that there will be another at the corner of the house saying with their heart in their eyes, "Pick me."

And I know that in time there will be a new companion. And guardian of all things precious.

But for this moment I would like to say, Thank you Lord for sharing him with me.
As, I am sure you already know I did not see this loss coming.
It wasn't something I could plan for.
He was amazing and wonderful and I regret the loss. Deeply.
I am working on not resenting it.

I have been told that there was a break out last night. First ever in I do not know how long.
I have been informed that it was Sun who stepped up to the plate and held the 3 offenders.
I have also been told that The Lord does not take that he does not give.
And I know this to be true.

And I know that it does not matter if I think I am ready or not, life goes on...

Rest in Peace Nelson 5-15-07 to 7-27-09

Monday, July 27, 2009

Goodbye Friend.

He will always be in our hearts.
With all of our best memories.
It hurt to let him go.
Even more to say
Goodbye.

He was an amazing guardian. Of all things.

Por favor El Diego e Jesus Christo. Por favor mi amigo mi pero. Por favor para el para siempre.
Amen...

Friday, July 17, 2009

I know better than to pray for patience...now.

I did not used to know better. I used to pray for patience on a rather regular basis.
Daily.
Every day...

How stupid could I be?
Very.
Apparently.
Much to my own detriment.

I no longer have a desire to have any more patience with people than, what I already possess.
I never did want to understand most people any better than I already did.
With understanding comes acceptance.
At least, that is my take.

With understanding and acceptance the boundaries of society become more and more gray.
"But, you have to understand!"
No, I don't.
No, I absolutely do not have to understand why you or I do the wrong we do.
We just need to accept what we already know to be true.
That it is wrong.
And put our efforts towards stopping the wrong that we do.

"Excuse" is one of my least favorite words. I do not want to hear my own excuses.
Why!?!...would I want to hear anyone or everyone elses?

Monday, June 29, 2009

I am with Liz on this. "He Is Just A Beautiful Person"...

I have been amazed over the years by what people will do to each other, with complete disregard for each other, solely, for the purpose of having something to talk about.

I do not have heroes in my life of celebrity stature. People are people. Some prove themselves extraordinary.
And seemingly ordinary people can act in such a way that makes them truly extraordinary.

I am not afraid to look deep.
Because that is most often where the truth rests.
Within...

I did not appreciate being expected to ascertain, whether or not, a man who had devoted his life and a fair portion of his fortune to the delivery of a message. was guilty of the foul accusations brought against him by others.
The expectation was implied when the filth was made public.

I did not appreciate another reminder of what people are willing to do to each other in the pursuit of having something to talk about.
And perhaps, monetary reward.

I appreciated even less, the decline forced upon a messenger.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

In The Beginning... And in the End...

People often confuse this as it applies to people. Lots of things can and do happen in life to cause changes in people.

Good and Bad...

What it really boils down to is Who do you really want to be? Not What. Who.
Because the reality is it is impossible to be anyone or anything other than what you were intended to be.

Oh you can try. But it is a lot like wearing someone else's shoes if they are custom made.
The fit is never going to be quite right.
Close maybe. But not right for you.
But what does that really matter? Because those are not your shoes.

I think we have all heard someone say, "Boy, I sure wish I was Bill Gates". Well then Who would Bill Gates be?
See how it starts?
Then there is wishing you had his money. But it is his money.

The point is simply to be the best you that you can be. And because you are you that is the prize in itself.
Because no one else fits exactly into your custom made shoes the way you do either.

The Jones Syndrome has caused so many people to become unhappy with so much that they weren't unhappy with until someone else told them they should be.

It's kind of like being a small child. You know what you look like and you know your name.
And that is good enough. Fabulous actually.
Until someone comes along and tells you you are not.
And then, the doubt begins.

It has happened to everyone at some point or another. What I truly don't understand is why we allow it as adults.
And perpetuate it. Even on our own children.
That is really fucked up.

Wish we could change that. I am going to start right away. Right now in fact.
I am sorry and truly apologize to anyone and everyone I have ever through word or deed caused to doubt themselves.
That is a terrible thing to do to another. Especially when you know how it feels.
I might do it again.
But I won't do it in ignorance. And I will not do it for enjoyment or sport.
And I will work even harder to never do it to make myself feel better at anothers expense.
Angry words suck... And they can be a real bitch.
And they can change lives in ways that were never intended. And sometimes have exactly the effect that they were planned to have.

Effective communicating is such a chore. Why can't people just say what they mean?
Ask for what they need?
And speak to each other the way they want to be spoken to?
Because we are not there yet.

But I am going to redouble my efforts. On all fronts.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

ODE TO THE TINFOIL HAT BRIGADE...And just because HP can use a laugh...

"Not even a sledgehammer". Still chuckling over that. Blown by the gentle and wonderful words of two other ladies.
And HP always try to remember that it is the sledgehammer calling for kindness as a means to peace.lol
How did we do it? How did we become one of the most solid families to be found anywhere on the internet?
We FOUGHT for it that's how!!! Any and all comers, each other, and ourselves.
Man are we good or what!?!
The ticket to play cost all. And I can honestly say, it was worth the price for the privilege of sharing the journey in company like this.
YEEEEAAA-AAAAHHH!!!
Take that Ole Pointy Pants...

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

It is the little things that are important...

I was doing some cleaning today. Laundry, household catch up, disinfecting. etc. My son just happened to come along while I was cleaning the stainless steel kitchen sink.
Now for those of you who have a stainless steel sink and really hard water you know what a chore this can be.
My son says, "Wow...Baking soda...Armor Hammer!!! Now That's What I Call Home Care!!!".
Good thing he was busy while I was using the Sno-Bowl to get the majority of the rust and calcification off.
Or, he might have thought I was cheating.

Our life removed from all the economic and social pressures of today is really very simple.
We don't watch tv. We don't have any of those video game players. If, we eat out, it is off the dollar menu.
We do not have a grand home. Or, drive a fancy car. We have suitable clothing. And we have food. For everyone and everything that resides here.
We are blessed in our true friends. And we respect the value of that.
We do what we can when we can to help others. And we are learning daily to accept our limitations, as well as, expand our abilities to not be limited.

We very firmly believe, that without Jesus and his sacrifice on our behalf, nothing we would ever do would matter very much.
Life in and of itself is not so very hard. Trying to navigate in a World of so many unbelievers can sometimes make it seem so.
We don't live like the Rockefeller's. But neither, was that our goal.
And we have complete faith that whatever happens today God will be with us every step of the way. And tomorrow. And so on.
Where we cannot make a way? He can. And He will.

Our belief does not define us as not having a sense of humor. In fact, the opposite holds true.
We do not qualify as Bible thumpers. Mostly because it has been too polluted by the words and intents/agendas of others.
I have been known on occasion to make creative use of the language. Does that make me less christian in my beliefs?
I don't think so.
I just wanted to take a minute to clarify. Because it has never been my intent to confuse those who are truly searching.
Just the enemy...

Hope this helped...

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Mary Mary Quite Contrary...How Does Your Garden Grow???

Quite well it would appear. Thank you very much... And thus far all in a row. So there.
Yeah...HA!

What a crazy week. Where have you people been all my life?*giggles helplessly*
No, seriously?

I am a very impatient girl. I have been waiting a very long time after all. And that bump on my head still has me a bit confused from time to time.
But, the Good News is?
I am beginning to remember. Piss me off and I may begin to forget. And you will never know if I really did. Or, if during the course of being pissed off I decided tit for tat wasn't such a bad game.

Anyone confused yet? Good... It is your turn to be. And now you know how I feel.
Quite often.
I am still thoroughly torqued that I had to expose so much to get any answers at all.
Does help in the identifying process though.

So, what happens next? While away the days until something happens? Just piddle all over ourselves til then?
Jolly.
Grand really... As has been pointed out "nobody" beats me in a pissing contest. I had excellent teachers.
*polishes claws on shirt front*

So much for peace. The strength I already have. Even if, I do not always protect it accordingly.

But I did re-remember something very important. And I am good with that. Makes all the confusion non-relevant.
If, some of you haven't figured it out already? Wow...are you going to be mad or what?
Evolution can be a real bitch. Coming into your own? Remains to be seen.

Fern? Would this be the part where it is okay for me to say, "Bring It!!!"? Because, even if, I am not completely ready? All will be revealed in it's own time.
Right? Right...

Contrary much? ME? Not in the beginning. It was an evolutionary experience.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

While I do not believe in Darwinism. I do believe in mans and womans ability to fulfill their individual Destiny...

I needed to say that. I have seen some very strange stuff in my life. And maybe, I am just designed to see things differently.
But no. I disregard Darwin's findings. It is as simple for me as, had we evolved from primates, we would then be the only primates. Or, are the remaining primates going to evolve as well? When?

Faith is something that comes from within. It is built, tried, and tested. Sometimes becoming damaged. And sometimes seeming shattered beyond repair.
Hope and foolish hopes are often confused with Faith.

I never bought the constraints placed on Faith by religion. Religion as we know it is mostly manmade.
And man is often a faulty practitioner to hand the care of your most precious self to.
The body houses the treasure. The treasure is the Spirit.

I have lots of thoughts. About lots of things. I firmly believe Joy should never be restrained. Or, captive. I think to do so diminishes the Spirit.

Do I believe every word in the Bible or any other religious tool? No. Again, it has been tampered with by man.

The truth is the truth. And not every ones truth is the same as the truth of 7 others. And it can all become very unpalatable when it is forced. And if, it is the truth? It will make itself clear.

There was a man who wrote a song. After becoming familiar with truth. I don't believe he was thanking Darwin for his presented possible explanation of the existence of man.
I believe he was thanking another for bringing his mustard seed of faith to an amazing harvest of truth.

And I have never believed that man is the sole inhabitor of The Universe. And based on my experience of man? I want something much bigger to be protecting me. The presumption of intelligent life forms does nothing to assure me of a higher level of kindness.

We all have an inner voice. We all have some ability to ascertain truth. And I am all good with a person leading with their truth. When that truth is voiced from within.

Faith is not for the faint of heart. And yet, they need it most. Faith is not fashionable, trendy, or buyable.
And by contrast it will be the most expensive gift you ever receive.
Based on that alone, I would like to caution that you not misspend or abuse it unnecessarily.

The good news is, if you do? It may always be rebuilt.

Monday, June 8, 2009

The Power of Words. And The Evolution of Language?

Everyone knows that there is power in words. Languages and use of have historically been used,and proven capable of, defining much about the user.

Location. Age. Class. Education. Intelligence. And predisposition. To name a few.

I would dearly love to know one thing at this point. Do those who use profanity to vulgar excess, and pejorative terms, racial and religious slanders, and slang, really believe it gives the impression of a higher intelligence, class, and education?

I am guilty. I can sling trash with the best of them. And I have yet to find myself at a loss for words in a shitfest.
There are so many after all.

And sometimes, swear words seem to fill the gap so nicely. And really make the point.

Why is it so hard to find words of praise or encouragement? Why is that often the last words we seek?

And why is it so hard to apologize? Sincerely.

I have watched this in an area near and dear to my heart. Horses. Everything about horses.
And if you know horses? I am willing to bet you have an above average collection of interesting words.

I have lived 42 years without ever hearing the terms "asshat" or "ass clown". Say them really fast with some sort of accent? Interesting.
Still do not know what they are meant to mean.
Oh, in context, I have a clue. But, no offense, these are dumb words.

Snark is another one. And snarky. Snark is defined as mythical beast in Websters. All other definitions I found are from some urban site.
Which is more about defining the culture of slang.
Snarky is defined as short tempered and irritable. That made me laugh. And question whether a person suffering from these symptoms should be allowed around children and animals.
That is how I perceive this based on the definition.
Another definition is to stun and amuse. As in, making snarky reference to the pink elephant in the room.
Hmmmm...That sounds familiar.
To be very honest it just all seems a desperate bid for attention while seeking some sort of power to me.
Look everyone is using words I made up.

It strikes me that what is funny in a child is NOT funny in an adult. Like when the sweet little cherub says, "shit".
That is stunning and amusing. And after trying to muffle laughter, because we sure don't want to encourage them to continue to use that word. The search for where they learned it from begins.

Sometimes, swear words happen. And sometimes, are funny in that they stun and amuse. I am more okay with hearing a story where someone was working with a rank mare that almost took them out, and they said, "You F$%^ing whore do that again and I will put you on your knees".
Now, translate that to how some men talk to women and ask yourself how you feel about it.

Knuckle dragging Neanderthal. I really hope that combined with, "shit", and few other words, this does not head where it very easily could.
Even if, it is just a thought.

Part of using the language to successfully communicate involves using language that is least likely to be misunderstood and misinterpreted by those who you are communicating to and with.
The deliberate use of amibiguous language can be interpreted many ways with regard to intent.

I feel compelled to point out that dog fighting and horse ownership came to many other ethnically diverse groups by way of another ethnically diverse group.
No real ambiguity in that statement. Pretty clear.

People who abuse and neglect are not healthy to begin with. Reality. When they choose as, or make, animals their victims, it is because the animal can't tell and they OWN it plays a huge part in this. This is a deliberate choice I am referencing.
Wow, we have come a long way haven't we? Society found this a perfectly acceptable means for longer than I care to think.
Legalized slavery required how many years to end? Thousands... And how much suffering and death? Incalculable...

I find myself really only wanting to say, to so many, save yourselves first. Followed by, the urban reference dictionary could be used to describe a language in the making.
I think it should be called bigotry.

Say that slow, with a deep southern accent, and it comes out something like Beeiig OOO taree. Kind of sounds like a child becoming familiar with speech doesn't it. I am not casting aspirations or slurs upon the South or the people of. There have been many willing to fight for the preservation of wrong. It is simply a historical reference for Americans.
As we are all so evolved and all.

Ambiguous? Maybe. Unclear? I don't think so.

How come Simon never says, "Be kind to others"? Or, so many other things that might have the power to engage a repetitious conditioned response to becoming something other than a puppet.
The strings may not be visible. But they are there all the same.

If anyone is still confused? The made up words always show red when you use spellcheck.

I always think of the movie "Mean Girls". And, it is so "Fetch".

Sunday, June 7, 2009

In The Evolution of Kindness What Comes First?


A desire to have some is my guess. And then, hopefully and possibly, a desire to share some.
I think kindness comes before understanding. Sometimes, I think understanding should come last.
Or, no one may want to play. Or, they may quit too early. Because they may come to believe their understanding indicates no desire for change in others.
And then, they may want to make a new law. Supposedly, to bring change.
HA!
To punish those that have disappointed them by not changing quickly enough more like.

One thing life has taught me. Is one persons understanding may be anothers confusion.
I think most people are like mules. More than, they are like thoroughbreds. Mules have to know why. Before they agree to do something. A lot of thoroughbreds you can turn in any given direction and let them fly.
Thoroughbreds are all about the forward. Faaaaaassssssst...
Mules are about caution. And self-preservation. Mules are generally not perceived as having heart. Often presumed to be stubborn, contrary, and obstinate.
And sometimes, when they have received no real GOOD reasoning to move forward, they can become all of these things.

I am not trying to plow my garden, and work my soil, with a thoroughbred. Why should I? I have a mule.
The thoroughbred is for my recreation. And to look good when I go to town. And to get there quicker.
Maybe, you could call the thoroughbred a messengers horse. To get the message to town quick. Better be a well riding messenger though. Otherwise, the thoroughbred may arrive without the messenger. In town.
And cause everyone to wonder what the message really is.

I knew I had a plan for this picture. A horsemans version of the what came first the chicken or the egg riddle.
The horse came first. The mule came second. And the thoroughbred came third.
Win, place, and show.
How were you betting the finish? Or, should I say, the start?
And before anyone can even bother to ask. I am a mule. With a proud descendency of thoroughbred ancestry.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Have You Ever Noticed?..

That when things go bad no matter how hard you try to muddle through it just gets worse?
Like an avalanche, mudslide, tsunami, maybe, it even comes on like a hurricane?
Or, at least, it feels that way.
And we have all been conditioned to never say, "It can't get any worse". And to try to refrain from questioning, "What next"?

Like when, the truck needs an expensive repair, the car has bad brakes and needs new tires, and you hit something you shouldn't with the lawn mower and that gives up the ghost too?
Who would dare to say, "What next"?
And you find an inexpensive repair place. YAY!!! And then, see the utility bill that was due from last week. That you forgot about when the truck broke down.

And then, when you are gazing out the window trying to recenter yourself while taking a very deep breath, you notice that the horses are out.
And as, you go to address that, it begins to rain.
And then, you remember you still have to get the hay put away that was delivered yesterday.

Funny how all that can work. Or, not.

Sometimes, it all seems a bit much doesn't it? I am sure we could all add our own twist to the examples I have given here.
And it could seem and feel so much worse.
Our own problems always are. The worst.
Because they are "our" problems.
And sometimes, those problems, either, are not, or do not seem, resolvable. At least, at that moment.

And sometimes, someone shows up and says, "Hey, let me give you a hand". Wow!!!
Way cool.
Almost makes up for having been found sitting in the dirt, bawling, and snot running.
That can feel a little embarassing.
Especially when, the problem wasn't that big. With some help to solve it.

We know someone, besides ourselves*laughing*, who is having most of the problems I mentioned.
And while, it may be overwhelming for one.
It is not so much so for 2-3-4-5-6.

Call it a new way to sweep in front of anothers doorstep. And I am not thinking about all of my own work today.
I took yesterday off to get some of that done.
And there is that log in my eye that keeps from realizing that I should only care about me and mine.*really laughing*

When things seemed at their worst, someone said to me,"Are things really that bad? Because we have a saying around here about you".
In between sniffles and sniffs, I said, "Oh yeah, what's that"?(real pitiful like)
She said, "We always joke that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, The Devil says, Oh shit! She's awake".
That has proven a mighty powerful tool for a tenacious person with a sometimes stubborn and perverse streak.
A mighty powerful tool indeed...

Have A Great Day Everyone... And try not to forget that we all need a helping hand from time to time.
Yep, we all surely do. Sometimes, most especially, when we, ourselves, have caused the problem to begin with.
Think, help I have fallen and I can't get up. Who knew, there was so much quicksand in the world today?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A New Kind of War...

I am done fighting. Done fighting evil. Done speaking it's language. Done immersing myself in it's stench.

There were reasons I engaged. There are always reasons. For everything. The reasons only become excuses when you have failed.
And that is when you hear, "but I did the best I could".

I don't believe I failed in the work that was brought to me. Neither, do I believe I always did the best that I could in that work.

When I engaged in word battles and was unkind. Either, because it was easier. Or, in a rather twisted way felt good.
That is where I failed myself, others, and all that I believe in.
I have dwelled on that long enough to know, that I need to forgive myself. And ask others to do the same.

I am growing again. And I cannot grow well, straight, true, and strong, without the proper nourishment.
Nothing really can.
I do not desire to be a solitary rose growing atop a dung heap.
I wish, hope, and pray, to be in a garden.
With many other growing faces pointing towards the Sun.

Who I was then, is not who I am now. And who I am today, is not who I will be tomorrow.
God willing...

That is also true about the truth. It evolves and progresses. It doesn't stand still.
Neither does time.

The words have always been there. It just takes time to learn the lessons and meanings of them.
It is a living truth.
I cannot do or be anything alone. Thank God, I have never truly been alone.

Evil is as evil does. We have all opened a window or a door to evil at some point or another in our lives.
Poor choices and mistakes.
What we choose to do with those learning opportunites plays a very great part in whether we become a puppet or a tool.

I refuse to become a puppet. And I think I may need to be brought to the stone and ground a little that I may become sharper.
And I need to be oiled. That I may shed my coat of rust.
I would prefer to be a hoe. Rather than, a sword of any type.
Breaking ground to grow and tend. Rather than warring and bloodletting.

I have chosen and reaffirmed my choice in this. Loss disturbs me. Judging disturbs me.
A true gardener never retires. It is passion and joy. A warrior may choose to retire and become a full time gardener.
Welcome to my retirement.
And please bear with me if I pick up the wrong tool from time to time.
I'll get better with time and practice.

I wish The Lord's healing and love for all. I pray for the day that we may all be in the same garden with our faces towards the Son.
Instead of, pain, shame and so many other things, evil things, that keep us hiding in the dark.

I am done fighting evil. Because I have simply chosen to succeed it. Crazy how that works.
And simple.
Just like blowing sunshine up someones, well...you know. If, their mind is truly that closed, it has nowhere to escape except out of their mouth.
And at least that way the seeds continue to spread.
Humor can also be a beautiful thing. Besides being necessary.

Have A Wonderful Day Everyone... I intend to.
I should have titled this, "This is what Jesus did for me Today"...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Back To Bitching About Internet Anonymity...

It is nice to see that some posters are not okay with some of the bashing that takes place on the internet.
The misinterpretations still exist. But mostly things seem to have settled down and become a bit more rational.

As for the hidden identities and claims of others that they just know a certain SN is really the same individual who regularly posts under another SN?
Does anyone else get what a waste of time those accusations are?
I mean really, how will you ever prove that?

One thing I have always wondered about is, a shitty, hurtful, and/or otherwise controversial, new SN appears.
And then, a poster under a SN known to most everyone offers their opinion that the new SN is so and so.
I have noticed something of a trend in the relatively new SNs on some message boards.

1. who said that
2. for the record
3. enough already
4. uenduphere

Do I think I know who they are? Sometimes. I have dared to presume on occasion that number 1 is actually the blog writer on one message board.
The truth is, I do not and have no way of knowing if this is true.

Speaking from my own experience multiple SNs are either meant as a new anonymity to express opinions or information without drawing immediate fire. To deceive that one may create drama.
That a known SN may express nastiness that they do not want attached to their primary SN or them.
Or, because someone came up with a new to them SN that they want to try out.
Kind of like a Mathilda wanting to maybe be a Britney.

I don't do it anymore. But everyone will just have to take my word for that. Or not.
But as, I actually do post under my real and legal name, I really take offense to the attacks launched on my credibility by another.
As, I actually do spend thousands of dollars and countless hours doing what that other individual "talks" about.

So, here is all I am going to say in response to that. Pick it up with someone else.
You have not the standing with me. Or, anyone who actually "knows" me.
And you are not empowered to speak for me.
Apologizing for me implies an association that is not in place.

Thank you very much. Moving on now...

Monday, May 25, 2009

I Can't Believe I Am Going To Write This. But I Think I Finally Get It.

OMG I laughed til I cried. I think I finally understand why another blogger has often appeared almost rabid in regard to some of the horse related ads on craigslist.

I had never looked at them with regard to horses before. I specifically keyed in saddles and got horses thrown in too.

Earth shattering Irish Sport Horse. With a back long enough to put two 18" saddles on and still pack a small child.
All for the low low price of $7,500.

And two paint geldings with almost 180 days of training between them. Bomb proof, rock solid, etc., etc..
$2500 a pop take your choice. Because these 3 yr olds have seen it all...

And saddles? Blue Ridge Barrel Saddle cost $600. Who saw you coming? A Circle Y saddle I sold last year was listed for substantially more than I sold it for.
The horsedopia folks would get a kick out of where that one went.

Those cotton saddle blankets that most people buy for $6-$12 were listed for $42.95.

Who knew unregistered weanlings were bringing $500-$1500?

I am just going to stop myself right here. I am not including pictures. But I will say this this.

They should have called it wishlist.org instead.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

What If? What If A Person Won The Lottery?

Can you imagine? I think most everyone has had that particular thought. What if I won the lottery?
What would I do?

Speaking for myself? I would send everything on the place to other trainers. The dogs and cats would go to the groomers and be boarded for a week or two.
I would dump piles of grain all over the farm site to keep the chickens and geese contented.
The rabbit would get some type of timed feeder.
And I would sleep.

For like a week.

And then, I would contact a real estate agent. And plan for the future. Contact the lawyer to set up some trusts for things I believe in.
And sleep some more.

Oh and I would have sent Micah and his Dad on one of those Disney cruises. So, I actually could sleep.

I would not tell anyone either. Nope. That alone has the power to change so much.
People could wonder.
But, I would not tell.

And I would buy a very big windmill. And a tractor. I have always wanted one. Probably an old grey and red Ford. John Deer is expensive.
I wanted a Kubota. I love orange. But that seems a bit extravagant.

What would you all do? If, you won the lottery?

Friday, May 22, 2009

IN THE TRENCHES OF EQUINE AUCTIONS.

A very unpleasant place to be. Bear in mind I am referring to the crap sales not the big money specialty sales where the Saudi Sheiks come to purchase.

Not a dissimilar experience to a casino. Filled with desperate people with an addiction. Or several.

Rescues purchasing in my mind is not any different than the private purchases. Except, they are most often purchasing with donated funds.
They tend to create more drama.
And expect the whole world to recognize this thing they have done and continue to do.

Here is my reality. And after 26 years of experience with this I have some standing to speak from.
I retired. I have allowed myself the permission to say, "Enough". At least, for me.

To me an auction is very similar to going to an orphanage of starving and abused children and saying, "Now I can only take a couple of you home".
It wears you down after awhile. Especially when the numbers at the auctions each month are 50-500. Or more.

Being surrounded by liars, thieves, deviants, suffering and neglect, has never been my idea of a recreational activity.
Or, a career I wished to pursue.
God who wants to be King of the compost pile?
Not me.

But I wanted to point out that all those private buyers deserve a pat on the back too.
And maybe, even a little round of applause.
After all, they have been doing this little thing called rescue long before it became popular.
And they haven't been asking anyone to subsidize them in their efforts.

Begging as a business does not hold much appeal for me. I would rather work. The whole charity thing sometimes reminds of the governmental agencies looking for one more way to skim the cream.

And I do not think that sale barn rejects and fuglies should ever be presumed to have a higher value than a horse that actually has a job. One who was bred and trained to perform.
At something other than eating 100lbs. of senior each week.

I love horses. I have a few sad sacks myself. But it was my choice to take them and care for them.
And to present them as equal to a working horse? Nope. Not even close. They are dependents in every sense of the word.

So here are my questions. What are we saving? Why? And who are we paying to do so?
And what is the message that we are really sending?
When there are families without homes. Hungry and undereducated people and children.

I wish everyone much luck in their continued efforts to raise money for organized rescue.
Because when rescues have to advertise on craigslist or offer animals in exchange for hay my guess is it is going to get worse before it gets better.
And if, you are spending that much time just trying to raise money to feed them how will you have enough time to train and promote them for adoption?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Forget "DUDE Where's My Car?" Where the hell is my Mustang?

Has anyone besides me noticed that there has been no new numbers of resolution released?
Did anyone else notice how many of those horses were never listed as available for adoption?

You know if they all got homes? GREAT!!! But why hasn't the information been shared?
Technical difficulty? Another media blackout by HSUS?

I am going to say it. The video clip released by HSUS wasn't exactly what I was expecting.
And the dead horses? The pile of 60+? Still have not seen it. And I still do not know what killed them all.
Proven and documentable fact. Not interested in hyperbole.

Jason Meduna may very well be a piece of crap. Don't know. Never met the guy. Never met the folks offering opinions and taking up a collection for the rope either.
For all I know he could be extremely mentally ill.
Taking in that many horses and trying to feed them all could do that to a person.
Or, prove that they were cracked to begin with.
Same could be said for those who endorsed and sponsored his efforts.

I would like to know the final numbers. It would be nice to know how many went to other rescues. Or, how many states adopted.

You see, when you live in a society where people are supposed to be tried on the basis of, facts.
There should be no reason to withhold the presentation of those facts.

Opinions can be titillating, entertaining, and sometimes, even amusing. But how do you form one without facts?
Or, should I say, how do you validate it?
Or, isn't that important anymore?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Why Renters And Boarders Suck...

I hate renters. Even more than I hate boarders. Why is it that people who understand the basic rules of getting along in society DO NOT understand the basic rules of IF it is NOT your's leave it alone.

Renter: Would it be okay if I used the big screen tv? Or, were you planning on taking that with you? Well what about the console then because I need something to put my tv on? (yes because I bought my furniture to give to you)

Boarder: I didn't know I could not use what ever is in the barn. I am paying to rent here.(when confronted with her horse completely dressed in my tack)

Renter: Say can I use your lawnmower? (After breaking the mower at the rental property driving over the rock garden)

Boarder: Well it was just hanging in the tackroom I did not think it would be a big deal. (handing me back one of my training bridles that CJ just happened to break both the reins on while grazing the yard unattended. Because boarder needed to use the bathroom and could she get a soda)

Renter: So your saying it is a problem if I have sex with the neighbor's husband in exchange for him doing the yardwork?(after all the neighbors are ready to lynch the new tramp in town)

Boarder: Oooopsie I didn't realize my ass and my boobs were hanging out. I thought it was your husband coming to do chores.(and yes, the board was late. AGAIN)

Renter: I mailed the check it isn't my fault if you didn't get it.

Boarder: I mailed the check it isn't my fault if you didn't get it.

Renter: Well I know I should have asked before I knocked it out but how was I supposed to know it was a load bearing wall?

Boarder: Well I know I didn't tell you my horse was a cribber but why should I have to pay extra for all the wood he eats? I am already paying board isn't that kind of stuff included?(because 12x12 cedar or oak boards are so cheap)

Renter: I know I have not paid rent in 3 months but you can't just kick me out.

Boarder: I know I have not paid board in 3 months but you can't just kick me out.

Renter: I don't understand what you are so angry about?

Boarder: I don't understand what you are so angry about?

Do you mind if I grab a soda? Is it okay if I use your bathroom? Oh I am so hungry what are you having for supper? I know it is late and I really should be going and let you get some sleep but can/could I have another soda and just use your phone for a minute? I can't get reception out here.

I could go on about this for a very long time. Suffice it to say, boarders and renters are a PAIN IN THE ASS!!!
At least, mine.

TRANSLATION? GET THE F*&^ OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 11, 2009

BECAUSE IT IS FUNNY TO ME!!!

The Riders:

Natural Horsemanship devotee looks like a throwback from a Texas ranch, despite the fact that he grew up in the suburbs of NJ. Rope coiled loosely in hand (don't want to send any messages of tension, after all in case he needs to herd any of those kids on roller blades away from his/her F-350 dually in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Cowboy hat is strategically placed, and just soiled enough to be cool. Wranglers are well worn, with that little wrinkle above the instep of the ropers, and lots of dust, well, you know, from the round pen on the lower legs.

Dressage Queen is freshly coifed. Not even she remembers her own hair color, but she has taken great pains to ensure that Rolfe, the hairdresser, makes the perm and highlights look "natural." Diamond studs are elegant and stately, and not so large that they blind the judge during the entire passage-piaffe tour. $30 denim jumper worn over $300 full seat white breeches and Koenigs.

Hunter/Jumper competitor is in an aqua polo and those breeches whose color could be compared to, um, well, okay, let's say they're khaki. The polo is so that folks will think they're a jumper rider until they put on their shirt and stock tie. Baseball cap is mandatory after a ride, in order to provide free advertising to that trainer's stable for whom they shell over a mere grand or so per month, and to hide "helmet head."

Eventer is slightly hunched over. This could be from carrying three saddles, three bridles, three bits, and all related color coordinated gear to every event, or it could possibly be a defensive posture where he/she is
unconsciously protecting his/her wallet, which is, of course, nearly empty from buying three saddles, three bridles, three bits and all related color coordinated gear. Looked down on by the H/J's as "people who just run their horses at fences" and by the DQ's as "not real dressage riders." Eventers are smugly convinced that they are in fact the only people in the horse world who CAN ride, since the H/J's don't jump real fences and the DQ's don't ride real horses.

Endurance Addict is wearing lycra tights in some neon color. Has not read the rule that lycra is a privilege, not a right. The shinier, the better, so that they can find her body when her mount dumps her down (another)
ravine. Wearing hiking sneakers of some sort and a smear of trail dirt on the cheek. Sporting one of the zillions of t-shirts she got for paying $75 to complete some other torturous ride. Socks may or may not match (each other).

Backyard Rider can be found wearing (in summer) shorts and bra, (in winter) flannel nightgown, buck boots, down jacket. Drives a Ford Tempo filled with dirty blankets and dog hair. Usually has deformed toes on the right foot from being stepped on in the Wal-Mart sneakers that are worn for riding. Roots need touching up to hide the grey. 2-horse bumperpull behind barn filled with sawdust/hay. Can be found trying to teach her horse to come in the kitchen to eat so she doesn't have to walk all the way to the barn.

The Horses

Rusty is the quintessential NH mount. Rescued from a situation where he was never initiated in the NH ways, he's learned to run down his owners at
feeding time, knock children from his back under low hanging branches, and could even spit like a camel if provoked. The embezzlement has never been proven. The hospitalization tally for his handlers was twelve until he met Spherical Sam. After twelve minutes in the round pen, he is teaching algebra to high school freshmen, speaks three languages fluently, and can put on his own splint boots (with Spherical Sam's trademark logo embossed clearly).

Fleistergeidelsprundheim ("Fleistergeidel" for short) is an 18-hand warmblood who was bred to make Grand Prix in a European nation where his breeders are still laughing hysterically when they talk about 'zat crazy American.' Despite being runty, his owner fell in love with his lofty gaits, proud carriage and tremendous athleticism. Never mind that this talent was not revealed until he was chased down by a rabid raccoon, and has not been repeated since. Has been injured 16 times in the last year, preventing his move to PSG at age 6, despite living in a 20' x 20' padded stall and providing family supporting wages to a groom whose chief job duty is "don't let him get hurt!"

Neverbeenraced is a prime example of an American Thoroughbred. The coat is deep bay, no markings, the textbook TB head, and no unusual conformational characteristics. Perfect, just perfect. Overcame a near fatal flat in his H/J career when he learned that the plants in the jumps are NOT real, and therefore did not require him to stop and taste. Has learned to count strides all by himself, and asks in midair which lead his mistress would like today.

Fastnhighasican is a Thoroughbred track reject who never won a single race - perfect eventer! He has two speeds, gallop and stopndump, and they are used, at his discretion, for all three phases of eventing, although he has some creative variations of gallop to spice up that boring dressage. There is the gallopdowncenterlineandrear, the gallopdepartandbuck, the extendedoutofhandgallop, and, a favorite among spectators, the gallopzigzagpirouette in which the gallop is performed entirely while hopping on his hind legs. His favorite phase is cross-country where all obstacles regardless of size are jumped at the height of 5.5 feet, and because that is where he gets to employ his personal favorite movement, the stopndump. This is the most fun when performed at cross-country water obstacles where his person invariably stands up soaking wet with murky, smelly water and threatens to sell him to Fleistergeidel's owner while he follows up with another fun gallop variation, the imfreeandyoucantcatchmegallop, another crowd-pleaser.

Al Kamar Raka Shazaam was often called "you bastard" until he found an other as hyper as he, an endurance addict. Can spook at a blowing leaf, spin a 360 and not lose his big trot rhythm or give up an inch to the horse behind him. Has learned to eat, drink, pee and drop to his resting pulse rate on command. Has compiled 3,450 AERC miles, with his rider compiling 3,445 - those five miles being the ones he was chased down the trail after performing his trademark 360 turn, without said aforementioned rider.

Snook'ums is the backyard rider's horse. Big head; stride of a gerbil. Duct tape holding shoe on until farrier gets out next month. Has a little Quarter, Arab, Standardbred, Tennessee Walker, Shetland blood. Mane cut with scissors straight across. He's been there so long she forgot how she got him or where he came from. Frequently seen ambling around the yard. Been known to join family picnics on the back porch.

Frequently Overheard

NH Devotee - "Well, shucks ma'am, tweren't nuthin'!" "It's simple horsemanship." "With this special twirly flickitat'em rope ($17.95 plus tax), you'll be roundpenning like me in no time." "You silly human, that just ain't natural for a horse."

Dressage Queen - "On no, he's hurt again?!" "The check is in the mail." To Herr Germanlastname: "Can't you tune up those one tempis for me?" To the groom: "Get me that mounting block - can't you see my nails are still wet?" To the show manager: "That footing has ruined my chances at Olympic Gold in 2000, I'll have you know." and "What were you thinking, stabling me next to that nobody? That horse could be 'diseased'?" To anyone who will listen: "When I had dinner with Hilda / Lendon / Robert..."

H/J Competitor - "Did you tell Neverbeenraced how many strides between fence four and fence five - I can never remember!" "Is my butt sticking out enough when I post?" "Oh no, I can't jump 2'6", my trainer will KILL me!" "I can't wait to do jumpers with Neverbeenraced - then we can wear one of those tasseled ear covers!"

Eventer - "I broke my collarbone/ribs/ankle again last week, but I'll be fine for the jog-up tomorrow." "How do you get pond water out of saddle leather?" "Did you see our show jumping where Fastnhighasican bounced the two stride combination?" "Did you see our final gallopdowncenterlineandrear? I think he is finally starting to relax in dressage." "Oh, it's just a little concussion. Have you seen my horse?"

Endurance Addict - "Anyone have Advil?" "Anyone have food? I think last year's Twinkies finally went bad." "For this pain, I spend money?" "Oh, I never bring hay or water to the vet checks - there's always plenty around." "Quick, quick, did you look, was his pee okay?" "Shazaam, you bastard - it's just a leaf [thud]!"

Backyard Rider - "It's too hot/cold/wet/dry to ride." "I used to show." "Where's my Metamucil?" "Has anyone seen Snook'ums? Last I saw he was across the road in the cornfield." "Here's a picture of Snook'ums when he was 43 years young!" "Snook'ums stop slobbering on me."

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************

Thursday, May 7, 2009

I AM ECSTATIC TO BE SO VERY WRONG!!!

I am genuinely thrilled to know and share that the 3 Strikes Mustangs are no longer at this time endangered.
I am thoroughly blown away by what ALL of the volunteers, and ABR and yes, even HSUS,
have managed to accomplish!!!
This has been a fantastical example of what can happen when people work together.
And I am so excited for the horses.
The outpouring has been tremendous.
From the individual who donated time and/money, to the professionals, and the companies, and the agencies, and the rescues, who donated and helped to bring resolution.
And The Sheriff's Department for causing charges to come into play.

*APPLAUSE* *I AM STANDING ON MY CHAIR AND APPLAUDING ALL OF YOU*

I am so proud you all proved me wrong. Thank you sincerely and from the depths of my heart for all you have done to help these animals.
Oh, and what the hell, forgiveness for all.

I did say, "I would be the last person to say good job"...

Oh, and Cathy? Very good job... I mean that sincerely...

Dena Rodacker
WMS

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

My Friends Call Me Turtle...




One of my least favourite dealers brought this filly to a local crap sale. With a whole herd that he had purchased at bargain basement prices from a colour breeder.
I made the mistake of walking by the ring to leave.
The auctioneer said, "What about you Dena"? My response was, "Whatever". Apparently that translates into "SOLD"!

If, I recall correctly, she was close to 3 months when she came. Rip weaned at the sale. And a nightmare to handle. Anytime she startled she flipped right over on her back. And most everything startled her.

And then, there were, the sale barn snots, the ringworm, the strangles that just about killed her(she broke behind the throatlatch in her neck), another round of ringworm, and after many cold nights in in the barn nursing her, here she is.

She is an angel for the farrier. Fair about doctoring(shots). And she hates the clippers with a purple passion(we are working on that). Very soft in the halter.
And she has finally learned to tie and stand quietly.

She is very sensitive skinned. Think hypereactive Thoroughbred. And she is insanely fast...

Her name on application is, "Go Leona Go". She is broodstock paint. Sonny Dee Bar and Tiger Leo topside. Her mother is not on allbreed but her name is, "Rodeo Dun It".

She may very well end up going to live with Bobby the 17hand wonderhorse in ND. I just need to know the flipping thing is truly a thing of the past. She currently has about 6 months flip free under her belt. When it is a year then I will know.
She will be 2 sometime this year. As you can see, by how high her rear end is, she is no where near mature enough to start under saddle.
We will see how she looks next year.

All of our youngstock are late babies. April through June.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Meet Madam Jiggles...




This is Eternal Moment. Our nod to the off the track Thoroughbred. Em is 5 this year. And this is her second stay with us.
She was originally here in August, I think, of last year. She became cost prohibitive for the folks she went to live with and returned in January.

Em too, is on a diet of solely forage. 90% alfalfa that tests 21% or better.
Her original owners are coming for a visit this summer. From Nebraska.
Em was a little distracted in the first 2 pictures. Gato was buzzing her pasture by way of the inside of the farmers field.

She has her new shoes on. And is ready to go back into training. She is a fairly level headed girl. And a very nice ride.
I am thinking not bad weight for a TB who is only on hay. She has actually gained since being here.
Poor Em. No more Scampers Choice for her. As if, she needs to be any thicker.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Hey Baby Take A Walk On The Wild Side...







I have added the under saddle pictures here. And some of my old time lawn mower on the thread directly below this. There is a lot to be said for a good angle in picture taking.

Gato the amazing yellow horse. Who has to date, at least, 4 lives. That is how many times he has escaped the truck.
The first picture was taken I believe in October 2007. He was a little tubby. Grained twice a day. Non- working. He was on the thin side when he came. Not emaciated. Ribby and raised backbone.
The other pictures were taken today.
No, he isn't quite as thick.

We switched the younger stock over to a program recommended by Dr. Harlan Anderson. Solely forage. We feed 90% alfalfa that tests 21% or better.
No grains left in the hind guts.

We did have one of the toughest winters here in Minnesota that we have suffered through in quite some time.
Think -30 as a good day.

Anyway, now it is finally Spring. HA! Almost summer more like. And our last snow was what? 2 weeks ago?

Gato has an interesting history in that he is not what a person would call a get along kind of horse.
I think he licked and chewed for the first time today after a lesson.
He has however changed remarkably from when he came.
I don't know if the pictures reflect it or not but he has his new shoes on. And he goes into the conditioning portion of his training program beginning tomorrow.

Now be careful making snap judgements based on these pictures. I am trying to make a point here.
Tomorrow he will have a haircut. A bath. And I will take something more resembling conformation shots.
And pictures under tack.
I guarantee these pictures from today were taken from angles guaranteed to mislead.

Gato was and is what we term, "An Issue Horse". I believe he was so mishandled at one point he even received a tryout for a rodeo company as a bucking horse.
I spent 20 days poulticing and wrapping a hind leg with 2 huge eggs on it that everyone said would not go away.
Having chute gates slammed on him was my guess. And I do know where he was staying before his last pitstop at the KBs.

There were a couple of times I questioned euthanizing him myself. He was dangerous in his original insanity.
The biggest thing that always made me reconsider? His relationship with Micah.
He could be blowing a full scale fit. This horse used to rear high enough in the air to look like he was doing a backbend.
We never flipped him though. Rough handling was the last thing he needed.
Micah would come running up, and the minute that horse heard or saw him he would stop, blow, get a little soft in the eye, and give him a nuzzle on the forehead.
And a good nudge that very clearly stated, "I like you kid. But get out of the way before you get hurt".
Micah would take hold of the lead, and that horse would drop his head to Micah's elbow and walk off. A few strides off and you would hear this huge sigh.

It took a long time for this horse to settle enough to trust. Let alone, begin to learn.
And when he decided he liked you? OMG!!! Breaking stall gates, to come visit. Taking out 3 strands of high tensile electric fence, to come visit.
The only horse I have ever personally met that will pick up the entire round pen and run with it. I assume because he could.

He has come a very long way. He may rear in play with the herd. But he has not reared being handled since July of 2007. He came June 6 of 2007.
He hasn't felt the need to kick anyone since February of 2008. He had never had his feet done when he came to us as a three year old.

He had 60 days of under saddle training with another individual last year. Tim Hennen of Birch Culee. He was too much for me and I am not ashamed to admit it.
Tim did a fantastic job with him. Brought him along real nice.

Gato clips, bathes, loads, and trailers. The farrier loves him now. And he gets his shoes burned on.
And thanks to Tim he has a very nice start under saddle.

I would never allow this horse to go to an amateur. Or, a juvenile. I do not wish to mislead anyone.
Yes, he has been handled by Micah since Micah was almost 5. But this is one of those strange exceptions.
It does NOT mean I would place Micah in the saddle on Gato with all the protective gear in the world. Yet. I expect this horse to continue to improve. But he is still as green as the grass he is munching in the pictures.

Gato is a safe horse for a experienced horse(wo)man. Most horses are.
He is not safe for a beginner. Except apparently, Micah.

Gato is currently 5. And even though, he has $13,500 in stud fees on his first 3 top lines. Sire, Grandsire, Great Grandsire. He is a Grandson of Frenchmans Guy. And a Great Grandson of Sunfrost. He still ended up in the direct to slaughter pen. Several times.
He has tremendous agility. And appears to have interest in the cows. Great expression!..
And moves with a powerful and effortless drive that takes your breath away. A total air glide ride.
He is quick. But, not what I would consider a barrel prospect.

So, meet Gato. Rescue #2.

On a sidenote; Keith Tongen the KB whose horses were on that double decker that tipped over in Illinois has reached an agreement with the prosecution.
Something to the effect of 2 years probation and a $4,000 fine.
I purchased Gato from him for $325.00 June 4, 2007. And little Joe for $200. And Reyna for $375.00. And Lizzie B for $100.
We no longer purchase from KBs and feedlots. Or sale venues. We determined that based on, our own beliefs, we were not helping horses by contributing to any of those folks staying in business.

Friday, May 1, 2009

A Message To The Alex Brown Racing Forum And The Fans Of Barbaro




I have struggled with my understanding of how you all arrive at the conclusions that you do. In truth, I think that a great many of you are overzealous in your desire to help horses.
I believe that is your driving force.

But, I do have difficulty with what you are supporting. I am not throwing blows here. I am simply saying. And I believe, as someone who bore the brunt of, your disillusionment and anger. Over having been, so successfully scammed by so many supposed rescues, I have some standing to question and state.

I wish to be very clear in that I do not wish to be a recipient of the money that you raise. I asked for help once. A rather limited amount of help.
What was it? $600 maybe?

I had no idea the rules or guidelines to asking for help online. At that time, I barely knew how to operate a computer.
No money was ever solicited to be sent directly to us. Nor did or do we have a PayPal account.
And while, I came to know later that you had all been the victims of scammers and frauds. I had no way of knowing that at the time.

Many of you crowed about being able to determine me a scammer. How smart some of you were.
I believe one poster even threatened to have me incarcerated. For fraud.
And I was turned over to fhotd. For what you all had determined were my just desserts.
For asking for help.

I was called "Begging Bertha". "Another Panhandler At The Park". And had someone else's interpretation of my life made into public fodder on the internet.

Even now, some of you dare to call me a scammer. And it does bother me. Mostly, that you would dare.
As, so many of the rescues your group have supported, have proven to be frauds and scammers.

I still have all of the same animals that I did in October of 2008. I am not the subject of any type of negative Humane action.
Why do you suppose that is?
We all know there were many many anonymous calls to AC. Why am I, the one you labeled, a scammer and a hoarder, not the one who is currently the subject of investigation?

I would never ask for money from either of these boards again. Without meaning to be, harsh or hurtful, I think many of you give far more than you can afford to.
And I do believe you donate irresponsibly.
And the follow up is very poor.

I think many of you have become "Rescue Addicts". Which is, very similar to being a hoarder.
And I think, in all honesty, that I feel sorry for many of you.
Because, you are not responsible.

I believe in many instances, you made promises of money to get horses placed at 3 Strikes. And dropped the ball after.
1 man and 336 mustangs? How could that have ever been considered a good idea?

I can commend your efforts to raise money to help address the 3 Strikes situation and to feed the workers.
I can commend your ability to organize quickly and with some proficiency.
But neither, can I forget.
I cannot overlook that you also could have organized to have a spot check done once a month.
Never did you require Jason Meduna's permission to do a fly over. As some of you had horses there.

I am going to be over the next week, posting histories and pictures of the animals here. I invite you all to take a look.
Because in truth, We, as in, my family and I, are owed an apology. For everything that the ABR board caused to be rained upon us.
We have never violated our promises to the animals.
And we, more so than, any rescue the ABR board has supported, have done it for the most part with our own money.
We asked for help once. And received a fair amount of abuse in return. The funny thing is, We are still here. As, are the animals we committed to help.

We do not consider the ABR board to be in the same league with rescue. We can hope that will change.
And that you will become responsible.
In truth, that would be our hope for all of you.
But we, would not be comfortable endorsing your efforts at this time.

I apologize if this is cause for offense. But it is nothing compared to what we were exposed to by so many of you.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Now They Lay You Down To Sleep. I Pray The Lord Your Souls To Keep...

I have struggled with accepting the inevitable deaths of so many of the 3 Strikes Mustangs and Burros.
Supposedly protected animals.
Animals that were the recipients of many stated and implied promises. That their times of trouble were over.
And that they were safe.

Regardless of, who did what, that has proven so very untrue...

The Promises have been broken. All of them.
And the animals will pay the ultimate price.
Isn't that the way of it?

The Rule of Man... I take what I want. I disregard the needs of others. And I call it "Progress".
Or necessary.

I imagine these wonderful wild and free spirits exactly that way. Wild and free... With their manes and tails streaming.
At peace in a grove. Satisfying their thirst at a stream. Giving birth under vast and starry skies.
And I wonder how they ever became considered vermin. To be removed and eradicated.

And I tell myself, if there truly is such a thing as, a jealous GOD, a vengeful GOD, I hope he tracks everyone who played a part in the vandalism and destruction of His Living Art.
And visits many a plague upon you.

It started with the land and ways of life of native peoples. And moved on to the buffalo. And there have been many examples since, of mans progress.
And now the wild horses must go.
Because, even though they came to be through a force larger than, the work of any mans hand, man has decreed that they no longer fit.

Let me think on this. The Spaniards came and left. Leaving horses behind. The white man came. And imported through similar disregard for life and freedom, the Black man, woman, and child.
And the Chinese. To serve them. The Irish came due to famine. And then, there was Ellis Island designated for the use of emigres of all nations.

This land belonged to that which was free and wild. The white man determined to tame it. And has historically, without fail, proceeded to kill off, or fence in, whatever did not appeal to them.

I usually do not think in terms of colour. But sometimes, it is necessary. To comprehensively understand the issue at hand.

It seems to me, in reviewing the history, the only thing the white man forgot to pack before immigrating was respect.

I am grateful to my ancestors. For instilling in me to be no mans slave. And sharing an ingrained respect for the land and all of its many gifts.
And the knowledge to not take more than what is necessary to sustain life.

And I weep. Over this latest proof that man has learned nothing from his and her own history.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

True or False???

There is much I do not know. TRUE
There is much I have not seen. TRUE

There is much I have seen that I wish I had not. TRUE
There is much that I have heard that I wish I had not. TRUE

There is no possibility that I can be wrong about anything. FALSE
I generally admit when I am wrong. TRUE

There are many people that I have met who have convinced me there are many worthwhile human beings.
There are even more who cause me to reconsider that opinion on a daily basis.

Wasting my time with adults who act as children while addressing very important issues?
And maintaining a peaceable and respectful of their opinions attitude and demeanor?
So far beyond my reach that I have stopped reaching.

I am actually stunned by what I have seen with this whole 3 Strikes drama/saga. I am stunned that so many are so blatantly hypocritical that they now require compensation for doing the right thing.
And expecting of adulation and praise as well.

If this is any indication of where equine rescue is headed I want out. Of any organized group.
I am blown by the complete disregard for any type of ethical and consistent standard.

Someone described their general impression of most of the FHoTD posters as being like the cool girls smoking their cigarettes in the bathroom at school. Sucking those cigarettes til the cherry was an inch long and glowing red. Chewing and snapping their gum. All while, trying to look cool and tough. When they were scared shitless that they were going to get caught.
How apropo... Sucking, chewing, and snapping. And scared of being caught.

I have little patience with posers and imposters. Even less tolerance for. If, this is to be my peer group in rescue, I am disassociating myself from any relation to.

So many of these people think they are changing the world. No. Not really. They are just creating more smoke for everyone else to navigate through. And when it clears?
There is usually a tremendously large pile of shit and dead bodies on the other side. That they were hoping to hide.

I have said my piece on this issue repeatedly. I have horses to train and other employment to attend to.
I am through trying to share information with the ineducable.
They already know everything they are interested in knowing. And as they have made careers out of blowing smoke up the asses and in the eyes of the masses?
Who am I to stand in the way of their progress?

Hopefully and occasionally, a hurdle to the progression of ignorance that cannot be stepped around, on, or over...