Stars In My Crown...And Letting Them Shine...

I don't know about anyone else but...when I was a kid Alice in Wonderland scared the shit out of me.
I was partially raised by someone who had some untreated mental illness and a prescription drug habit gone bad.
There were some crazy scenes in real life that involved me apparently not being The Queen. Whatever the hell that meant.
For some reason that seemed to be a reoccurring theme. Wicked stepmothers, Mommy Dearest types, and some random players that I never did understand who or what they might be channeling.
So, Alice in Wonderland seemed a whole lot more like some type of subliminal warning than a good read to me.

Since losing another treasure some of this has been on my mind. Can't seem to outwork or outrun it.
Let's just summarize and say I prefer my faerytales with happy endings. Or, is it beginnings?
Well...I think people know what I mean.

And have you ever noticed that no matter how bad the bad there is always good mixed in?
The new farm. That is huge. The house is beautiful. So much closet space for a girl who has not had more than 3 little closets total in the last 4 dwellings.
I think He heard me. There was much bitching, praying, and despair over lack of storage issues.
Scratch think and change it to "know."
I hope he hears my prayers for the grand old house that has embraced my family for the last few years.

And today I get an email. And the person who wrote it told me to put the stars in my crown and let them shine.
OMG!!! Can I just say that after I gathered the courage to come out from under the table(call it a flashback)I decided it was finally safe to do just that.
I hope she knows that she is definitely one of them.

I am tired of being afraid to just declare my position. Being fearful of the consequences of letting anyone in. Because God only knows what tomorrow may bring.
You see my biggest weakness is also my greatest strength. Gift or curse I have always been able to love. Even with a complete absence of trust.
I just do it quietly.
I ran out of cheeks to turn what seems like eons ago.

I think what is really weighing on me is a promise I made. It seems so much more pressing these days. Here in the now.
Over the years and even now, people have been after me to write the book.
I won't lie I had many reasons to put it off. Not wanting to revisit some of those places ranking very high on the list of why not now.
The thing is, I do not want to lose one more treasure to this thing we as people sometimes do to each other.
And even if, I were able to start and finish tomorrow, and everyone read it tomorrow, there will still be more loss. I just might not know the names.

And I do not know about anyone else but I am more weary of the loss than I am afraid of the consequences these days.
Another friend has often stated, "no one gets out free."
That is a huge truth. And a sometimes, devastating one. And in part, a bit of what has made me say, if only to myself, "Why Bother? Nothing you do will ever change that."

The thing is, I am not alone in this. I have never been alone in this. Child abuse is a terrible thing. With lifelong consequences.
For all parties.
There sure has been a lot of mileage come from the whole "Don't Tell" themes.
Maybe, I can't. Stop it. But maybe...just maybe...I can help someone else survive it.

And for all of you wonky bitches that lurk here, there, and everywhere I seem to be?
Newsflash...I see through you like clear glass.
It is just unfortunate that you chose to become what you at some point suffered.
Because you obviously did not get out free or you would not be burdened by such hate.

It has been a long time coming and thank God I have a fabulous therapist to keep me sane through this trip.
Like I said, the whole Alice in Wonderland thing scares the shit out of me.

Fern if there is anything to divvy up you can have a sizeable chunk to put wherever you think it will best serve.
I can't think of or do everything myself. And thank God and good friends I don't have to...

*places MY crown firmly on my head and declares self a princess* Commences waiting for others to do the same.