Saturday, May 15, 2010

Love Thy Neighbor. Okay..but can I shoot their dog?

I have reached a point. Not THE point, but definitely A point. One of the things that I absolutely LOVE about rural America is, nearest neighbors are usually at least a mile away.
I like my peace. Actually, I require it.

So, what do you do, when the neighbor dogs start coming to visit? Run them off right? Well, what if they belong to someone who has never provided them with a lick of training?
And what if, they kill your chickens. Ruin your herding dog. And encourage your dogs to start running too?
And the neighbor/hoarder, cannot seem to get it into their head, that this is not cute. It is not acceptable. And their irresponsibility has cost their neighbor money, peace, lives, and what used to be a good dog.

"Oh my dog just loves you and can't stay away." Good. That way your dog will be close enough that I will be pretty much guaranteed a good shot.
Why should I care if that would make them sad? I was damned sad and angry watching my kid crying over the bloodfest in the middle of our yard.

What is even more frustrating is, the fact, that neighbor has a rather impressive dog kennel. That they never use.
Neighbor waxes poetic over how wonderful it is to have such great neighbors and they hope we never move away.
Me? I just swear a lot under my breath and at the top of my lungs.

People aren't stupid for the most part. They can just be incredibly self-absorbed.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Struggling here...

I am trying so hard to remember hate the sin and love the sinner. Or, maybe it is that I am struggling and failing in simply doing it.
I cannot wrap my mind around what kind of people do things like this.
And then, brag and lie to cause more damage. All while, taunting and laughing about the harm they have caused.

The majority of the people who entered our home were not good people. Not by any stretch.
And I want to know why it doesn't matter that we did not do as we were accused. I need to know why lies are preferred to the truth.
Where is our justice? Where is our protection?

I have been God's tool for so long. I usually don't ask why. I am usually a willing servant.
I guess this is just one of those times where it hurts too much, the cost so very high.
I can honestly say that I do not do as I do in anticipation of some reward. I do not think God should have to pay us to do as we should.
Streets of gold and jewelled mansions in the sky mean nothing to me.
Never have.

What I resent more than anything is coming to the place of "If Only." Which is an accounting of "If Only" I had not done these other things for others I would have enough for me and mine.
I hate the "If Only" place.
I hate that some people through their actions can cause me to wish I had never done anything for anyone.

I really hate the way I feel right now. I know that no matter what I do or don't do God and his truth will stand. I know that nothing can or will make me stop believing.
But some of my belief does not jive with what might get another through their trials and tribulations.
The whole reward system for one.
And I am a little pissed at Him. I mean do I always have to be the pony that everyone rides? Must it always be so fucking tough? It hurts and I want it to stop.
I want my family back together. And I have zero ability to even pretend that everything will be okay.
Because right now it does not feel like it will ever be okay again.

Today has not been a good day. And for those who read this with glee and delight that I am finally getting mine? Pray tell WHAT did I ever do to you!?!
And know that I would wish upon you every blessing or curse you have ever wished for me. May you live your life upon those blessings and curses. Rich or scant.
Yes, that is what I would wish. If, I were like you.
But, I am not.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I Don't Wonder.

My God is not for everybody. I would be more than willing to share. But sometimes people do not see what is right in front of them. And so they doubt. And blame. And attempt to discredit what they know nothing of.

My God is amazing. I do not know if he knows the number of hairs on my head. I do know that he has a sense of humor though. Lucky for me.
I do know that he hears my prayers. Even though, I do not always get the answer I may have been hoping for.

When things go bad I don't wonder why he abandoned me. I am so grateful that He is always with me.
Light or dark.

Recently I was devastated by a series of events that I could not understand. Mostly why was this happening.
I have lived through a lot. I have seen even more. But all of this had me on my knees.
Have you ever wondered what sound your heart might make as it is breaking? Don't. I pray that you never hear such.
It is the tinkling of broken glass and the roar of rending fabric. The quiet after is absolute.

Nothing is sacred when evil comes for you. And that which is sacred to you is the first to be threatened.
Material things do not mean much to me in the grand scheme of things. The thought behind them is what counts.

But one thing I will never in this lifetime bear again is having a child stolen from me. I cannot. You see, we all have limits. Places which we cannot be pushed beyond.
And I know my God knows this. I know this based on the one person that he sent to make sure that could not and did not happen.
And that too put me on my knees.

It would appear that I am once again to be brought into the arena with mine enemies.
Pussy bitches never did have the balls to come at me one at a time.
I moved 9 years and 6 counties away from what I thought would kill me. Apparently, I did not move far enough.
They left their bootprints on my "Bless This Home" sign. Fuckers.

Never forget that I am allowed to hate evil... I sometimes do wonder if this is exactly what he made me to do.
I will trust in Him. And who knows? Maybe this time he will allow me to unsheathe my claws. One can only hope. One can wish that it were never necessary.

Monday, January 4, 2010


It has been awhile since I have shared here. I can only say, that I was immersing myself in the supposedly mundane details of day to day life.
And sometimes, it wears me out thinking of how to arrange the words.
That they may be taken as they were meant in the intent of the giving.

The world is filled with mysteries. But the magic is certainly not gone from it.
It amazes me when I read old tracts and references to beliefs that are designed to shape the beliefs of the reader.
I find most of the manipulation offensive. As, they are not only based on lies, but by their very design, created to confuse and in doing so grant power to the confuser.

Peoples beliefs can be a most precious treasure. In that they are an initiation of faith. Whatever that faith may prove to be.

I do not know why so many of us wander and wonder based on why. When why is simply another word for the journey to arrive at the destination of understanding.
Otherwise known as, the place of discernment.

The Church has the ability to anger me more than almost any other belief management program.
Because the church is filled with lies and people who do not think to question.
And it is often fear based.
The Bible as it is presented today in it's many different interpretations is another source of frustration for me.
Mostly because it has been manipulated by man in what seems to be a direct challenge to God.
Good thing God has a rather remarkable sense of humor.

Why I am writing this? Here? Today? Because I felt rather compelled to do so. And because I am tired of seeing children cheating themselves based on what someone else or several someones have presented as absolutes. To suit their own agenda.

There has been so much unnecessary pain and twist. Over power. True power is to be found in the strength of your beliefs. Again, whatever they may be.
Because that is what is true for the individual who holds them.

Some people would call that a conscience. I prefer to call it a compass. And not unlike, snowflakes, no two are exactly alike.
Were that true? There would be no variation of color in this tapestry of life in which we all represent a strand or two in the weave of.

I would like to challenge all who read this to do one thing. Be true to yourself. Value the compass that is uniquely your own.
I promise the rest will become so much more clear.
Because it is your Destiny.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


I read something today that had me a little irritated. And then, it made me laugh.
People and horses have been my psychology professors.
And you know what?
We don't all click.

Sometimes, people are just too strong for me. Too needy. Too consumptive. The only way I can explain it is some people are very discordant in their emotional harmonies. And they just set my teeth on edge and my last nerve ajangle.
And politeness dictates that you cannot just say, oh for fucks sake will you get away from me!?!"

Many of the horses that have come into my life have suffered this same difficulty.
People who determine to have them because of how they think they will feel if they can master this beast.
And they end in a ditch or some other place.

I believe it is essential to have a good understanding of your own self. Before you take your show on the road soliciting investors.
Because that is what you are doing when you determine to create or enlarge your social group.

There are many things in life that cannot, and therefore, should not be forced. Relationships are at the top of the list.
I like my men and my horses the same way. Solid and reliable. And relatively easy keepers.
I can live without all of the flash. And choose to.
My children are like colts. A world of potential and it is a given that they will pull their fair share of stupid shit. But the theory is they will grow up and into themselves someday.

My business relationships are defined by fair dealing or we are done. And please do not ever fuck me over that I feel inclined, why downright honor bound even, to return the favor.
If, I can't trust you? I don't want you.

My friends? Are my one and only frivolity and luxury. It is my treat and my pleasure to be in those relationships.
So if, too needy and too consumptive are defining characteristics of a person?
Chances are they do not qualify as a friend in my world.
They should allow tax deductions for dependents that one has not given birth to.
Thank God I still have my sense of humor.
In fact, that is one of my defining characteristics.

So slash my tires, lie, write in what you believe to be a very cleverly disguised manner, and in general make a nuisance of yourself.
That defines you. Not me. And goes a very long way towards explaining why you did not make the cut.
Because, as I stated, if I cannot trust you? I do not want you.

I am and have always been truly blessed in my friends. I suffer from no confusion as to who they are.
I also know what kind of friend I am.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Who Do I Hate...and why.

No one. Takes too much time and effort. And there is no one who is worth the sacrifice of your soul. At least, not if you hate them.
I get annoyed.
And there are some people that I might wish would fall into a very deep hole.
But hate?
Uh huh.

Hate is expensive. And consuming. It colors everything. And not in the best of light.
It is ugly.
And causes the hater to become ugly as well.

So, there is the answer to the question of who do I hate. And why.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Lessons and Blessings. Counting them both...

This past week has cemented much for me in my understanding of many things. The lessons are not so hard to take when you are able to recognize the blessings that accompany them.

I have some amazing friends. Who do the most amazing things when I am not expecting it.
Things that let me know they are thinking of me. Things that let me know that they have taken time out of their day to brighten mine.
Kind and supportive words. The sharing of ideas. And allowing me to take good long looks at them when I need to because sometimes people scare me.

And sometimes, when I look closely, I am stunned by what others seem to have missed.
Maybe because it is more precious to me.
The gifts of true friendship are gold to me. And treated and treasured as such.

There have been a few who have stopped at nothing in their attempts to take this from me.
I guess they don't realize that they cannot.
And there has been much complaining about why her? Why does she get this precious treasure?
Because I am blessed. There is no other explanation.

Except maybe one. I do not have a jealous or covetous heart. I love my friends and want the very best for them.
The very best...

And I think maybe that shows. Because it isn't something that can be faked. I know this because they make me feel the same way.
I can't count the times I have been humbled by an email or a phone call.
My family takes great joy in bringing me the mail these days.
And I am their TV.

Watching me rub my face in the fleece of fly masks made with thought and care for me and mine. After squealing loud and long in excitement.
Reading a letter over and over and putting it in my keepsake box.
Having 2 friends work together to see me get another gift I very much wanted. But could not afford.

Having people say, "I sure wish you lived closer to me." And saying those same words to others.
And knowing that they are meant.

I have said it before, humbling me is as simple as an act of kindness. Acts of leverage or attempts to use me as your poster child of Look at Me! Look what I did for the societal reject?
Not even remotely the same. Those are offerings meant to demean and destroy.
I can recognize the difference. And so can others.

When I do something for a friend or anyone I have also made the determination to do it quietly. And in good faith that I did what I felt was right.
There is no expectation of payment for that. Nor, do I publicize it.
Sometimes people need help. Why would I attempt to shame them for doing so all while claiming to be their savior?
That is not a savior or a friend. That is an opportunist.

I find it offensive that anyone would look at my situation and determine to break up my assets of love and friendship like some at risk airlines pension fund in a hostile buyout.
See? I told you my friends are gold. To do the above and claim to be one is an insult. To everyone involved.

And here is another thought. People are attracted to and by different things. My friends. My man. My business associates.
All of them see something in "me." Something that attracts them to "me."
How hard is that to understand? Unless, you are the predator attempting to raid my hen house.
Well...the three little pigs were not buying the program and neither am I.
So huff and puff away.
My house stands...
And it is golden.

Have a Wonderful Sunday everyone...