I have found the empty words "I Love You" have always been a mainstay in the selling of ones soul, honor, pride, dignity.
It starts early. The planting of those seeds.
The harsh words said with no thought for how they may affect. GO AWAY!!! BE QUIET!!! IF YOU DON'T STOP CRYING I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!!!
How stupid can you be!?! I do not even want to look at you.
What is wrong with you?
Why do people say things like this to children? Have they forgotten how bewildering and hurtful they can be?
And here are some more. Do you really NEED that? If you eat that you are going to get fat. Why can't you be like your sister? What is wrong with you? I just don't know what to do with you.
Well...I went away because you told me to. I did it quietly. I cried myself to sleep and I did not hear you call. And now you are only beating me because you love me and I scared you.
I am very stupid and I am sorry. I am crying because you are hurting me and now I have a stutter because every time I try to answer one of your questions you slap my face.
So no...I don't know what is wrong with me. And I don't want to look at you either when you are screaming and hurting me because it scares me.
I have not even begun and I am thinking already that being raised by wolves is looking better by the minute.
Now let's review. I am stupid. I am fat. I will never be as good as my sister. And there must be something terribly wrong with me because you want me to go away, and you don't want to look at me. You appear to gain some enjoyment from giving me something to cry about judging by the frequency with which you do.
Who sends this kind of a message to a child? This is the part where the reader needs to remember I am not alone.
I am neither the first, nor unfortunately, will I be the last, to have heard these words.
Small wonder by the age of 18 I had a drug addiction, was anorexic and bulimic, I was doing a rather stellar job of overcoming the stutter though.
I had also been majorically on my own and responsible for my own support for about 3 years by that time.
Met many more predators, and been disillusioned completely with regard to the concept of family.
I also had a pretty good clue what was wrong with me too. I was surrounded by some seriously fucked up people. And the reality is, they were people. Long before they were assigned an honorary title involving the care and governance of me.
Still a sucker for the empty phrase "I Love You" though.
To this day, if I allow it, I can still hear the words. And to this day, even with full knowledge of the portions that had nothing to do with me, it can still hurt, if I allow it.
When I am stressed, tired, or have anxiety about how what I say may be received, I stutter.
Thanks Mom. Talk about a gift for life. But hey you kept your word. Because you sure did give me a lot to cry about.
Kiss kiss and I love you too. And I still don't know what is wrong with me I am working on it though.
I forgave a long time ago. The forgetting doesn't come so easy though. Mom eventually overcame her prescription drug habit. That was cool. I am proud of her.
She still can't stand the sight of me though.
Because she remembers too. And it makes her sick. So, I guess we both know how bad it really was.
The good news is, it is all in the past now.
That sounds so simple doesn't it?
The problem is, I can't take a bath, shave my legs, push up the sleeves of my shirt, or look in the mirror without remembering just how much I was loved.
I did eventually learn to duck. And there did come a time when I fought back.
We have a rule in my family. The family and the rule I made. Hands are for helping not hurting. It is huge...
We have some rowdy tempers and we may yell and say some harsh things to each other from time to time.
But hands are for helping not hurting...
And that is simple. As simple as saying it and meaning it. And why would anyone want to make their babies cry?
That part is the most simple. Just don't do it...
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You know every time I push publish I feel like I am going to puke for several hours after.
ReplyDeleteLike I am supposed to be ashamed. Ashamed of the things that were done to me.
Because those are my secrets. The ones that guarantee I will never be "normal."
But they are not really my secrets. They are just the ones I kept that I might maintain some semblence of the pretense of "normal."
Those were the rules. The ones that came after "Don't Tell."
Awww...fuck the secrets!!! Not telling can kill much and many.
I've found that telling my secrets help heal other people who carry around the same fears. Sadly enough, abuse is normal for far too many in this world. There is a secret society of people who have came out the other side wiser, stronger, and able to laugh and love, who choose to be kind. It takes heat to temper steel, and for some reason we were chosen for the forge.
ReplyDeleteYou know the line I love the most--we knew what was going on but did not know what to do about it. Really. You learn to deal, but the voice inside still wonders if you are worthy, if you deserve the good you now have and when will that be taken away, too. And my stepmother claims I am her darling baby girl. I doubt it. I made a pact with myself to never put my children through that and held to it for the most part. There are moments I am not proud of; but we survived. And, they still love me and I still love them. They knew that always. What I find most horrifying is how many of us as adults suffered growing up. Childhood was not the best years of my life. Ever.
ReplyDeleteYou are stronger than I to share these things .Sometimes in the moving on and letting go there are still fears of inadequacy.(If I say no more will they still love me?) What I will say is I understand some,not all of what you shared . For me the relationship has changed and grown healthy , but the path was not an easy one.
ReplyDeleteHugs and love to you my strong dear friend
Wow...phaedra did you ever nail it or what!?! That is so honest. And even more true.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing that for real.
That is it Kestrel. Yep.
I think something that is often the hardest to understand or reconcile is being "the chosen one."
It is something of a mystery why in a family of say 2-3-4-5 only one child is chosen to bear the brunt. Or, should I say, appointed sacred keeper of the secrets?
What a shitty job.
a real opportunity to build character. There is some sarcasm in that last statement. To temper the harshness of the truth.
Fern that is great that you and yours were able to work through it and get to a better place.
That too is an act of strength and proof of a desire for something better.
I won't lie there was and is a part of me that wanted to be selfish and preserve my pretense of normal.
Gee preserving pretense. Sounds an awful lot like protecting the lies doesn't it?
Most of these people are not even allowed in my house. So why should I store their poison?
The most recent loss just imploded something inside of me and made me roar ENOUGH!!!
Common theme in recovery, "You Are Not Unique."
The fuck I am not. We are all unique.
What is not unique and therefore far too common is abuse.
I think we need a detour to the happy place in the next thread.
Crappy weather and a sense of urgency has made some of this a priority for me.
Nuff said. Weather sucks. I have the crappy crud that seems to want to kill me--the life and times of an ex-smoker. Are you ready for winter? How is the new place working for you? Shit-where is the damn cat when you need one; a mouse just ran down the counter. Sigh. It is that time of year. What happy place shall we visit???
ReplyDeleteThe weather is crappy isn't it? And the crud that wants to kill you is not discriminating.
ReplyDeleteWe have been exchanging it for the last week.
My Francesca has been slaying those rodents foolish enough to enter her domain.
We are fencing at and moving supplies over to the new place. We are actually loving it. It has water in the barn.
And my grown kids are coming for Thanksgiving.
We are working on getting ready for a big fundraising event that we were recommended to.
The happy place? Where is it?
Wherever you can find it woman.lol
I will try to get something up.
Hope you are feeling better soon.