Internet Therapy. Sharing and Healing on The World Wide Web.

I am cooking. Which requires, I stay near the kitchen. And I am feeling reflective. And pondering what I have seen over the last several months here.
And contemplating, whatever, no matter how small, my role may have been. And how, it may affect the outcome.

Because, I mostly, not always, do read for comprehension.
I read between the lines.
It is most often, where I find what I am really looking for.
Which is, understanding.

What do I see? The one possible good benefit of anonymity. Not incredibly different from any type of, theoretically, anonymous self-help group.
Except here, again theoretically, you do not have to put your face on it.
I see people, exposing some of the hurt that has shaped both, them, and their opinions.

That is why, I spend my time between the lines, in a similar fashion, I presume here, to The Turd Burglar.

I had been asking a question. Of myself. And a few others. If, horses heal us, WHY are there so many maladjusted, angry, and sometimes, not very nice people, associated with them?
Horses, I mean.

I think because horses are an unusually expensive pursuit. As well as, one you can NEVER completely plan for.
And a whole lot of people want the experience. Cost be damned...
And sometimes, based on that, bad things happen.

In this instance, and for what I am referencing, I believe horses were just the catalyst of all that has followed.

I think that the angry people who attempted to piss all over my party? Were two things. Angry that I was doing something that they could not.
As well as, possibly, based on, their own experience. Terrified that I would fail. As, so many others have.
And I don't believe what I have just used as an example, fell necessarily in that order.
And I am okay with that. Even though it wasn't always couched in the friendliest of terms.

That is just a small part, of what, I have learned, reading between the lines. And I also believe, that the most rabid opposition came from two sources. People who were concerned but did not have the financial ability to help.
And some other rescue operatives who were concerned that I may cause some of the donating public to swing my way.
And that would, theoretically, leave less, for them. Perish the thought. Or, me. In this case, I believe the plan was for both.
Kill the idea and by association my ability to succeed.

Well, that didn't work.

But, I have seen so much on these internet boards. Pain seems to be leading the pack in the race for expression.
A desire to be heard and understood, a close second.
Attempts to bring and share humour, is in 3rd.
And the bringing of abuse? While leaving the gate first and holding the lead for quite some time.
Seems to have faded.
Can I exclaim, "HALLELUJAH"?...
More a deeply felt and meant exhalation. Daily.

Mental Illness can be ascribed to anything that has affected one deeply and in a lasting manner.
You think about it, it makes you feel unwell, and at this moment, you, yourself, do not have the ability, to resolve it.
No one escapes some type of diagnosis by the prescribed manner of testing today. Testing today is created in such a manner as to profile.
What is wrong with you. Do you need medication. And are you a danger to self and others.
Those are the most basic premises of testing today.

I just wanted to be clear about that... We all have some aspect of mental illness subject to definition.

And when we share the things that have affected us? Deeply and profoundly. From anonymity to anonymity?
We find that we are not, ALONE.
We never really were. We just were not as inclined to share some of these things with people we know. Translation? People who think they know us.

And do I believe it is possible to form relationships based on this? Real ones? Yes. Why? Think of every war, that has ever been fought.
All those people who would have never met otherwise. The 18 year old kid, who would probably never have been to Germany, Japan, France, Afghanistan, on his own income.
Who would have never had an opportunity to have a hands and eyes on view of the other side.
And who has had to trust, his, or her life, to people, he, or she, may have never known before boot camp.

I see these internet wars in a similar manner. Wars on ignorance. Battling to be heard and understood.
Hell, maybe even fighting to be accepted for who you are. As you are.
So, in some instances, I disabuse the idea, of anonymity being "BAD".
I see it more as a bulletproof vest and a mask. Until, you get the all clear to step into the light.
And I forgive. I forgive the attacks from anonymity.
Because, they were based in ignorance.

And there has been healing in these wars for me. Was it easy? Oh Hell Fucking NO!!!
It was NOT.
Talk about walking through fire.
I did not have anonymity. So, it was a lot like what I would think open heart surgery would be, without anesthesia.
I don't have any secrets anymore. No part of my past is private. And subject to interpretation and misrepresentation of facts, I was made to be even worse than, I am.
But, I lived.
And I learned. A very great lot. Because, I am not alone. In making any type of mistake. I am just not that special. Or, unique.

Where I have an opportunity to be special or unique? Is in the addressing of this. Funny thing is? I have no real desire to be alone in that either.
But, I also realize, that people heal at their own pace.

So, for now. I just want to be a farmer. I want to break open and work hard ground. Work the soil into something more amenable to growth. And plant some seeds. And nurture those seeds as I am able.
Without artificial enhancements.
Because, I will tell you this, a life without secrets? Can be a beautiful thing. Because, it can translate into, a person without shame.

I used to hoard my personal shame. No explanations ever offered. And whatever another thought of it? Could never come close to what I thought of it.
Shame is a tool to abuse yourself with.
And I was very into self-abuse.
I hated myself, more than, anyone else ever could.
And it made me very sick. That self-created cancer of the soul.
And I should like, to Thank Everyone, who played any part in making me see, that while, I had done some of what I had been accused. I certainly had not done all.
And I was not the person I made myself out to be in my own mind.

And The Truth Shall Set You Free!!! Free At Last! Free at Last. Thank God Almighty, I am Free At Last...

If, I could have one wish for the people reading this, and have it granted. It would be that you would receive the same gift.
To be free. Free of whatever causes you to be sick. Free of unresolved personal issues. The ones that hurt you. And cause you to act, or feel, other than, as, you are.
That would be the gift I would wish for you.

And I will wait patiently. While, you work at your own pace to get there. I will, however, share an added incentive.
The water is fine. Very fine indeed. Jump on in...

Happy Easter Everyone.