I am trying so hard to remember hate the sin and love the sinner. Or, maybe it is that I am struggling and failing in simply doing it.
I cannot wrap my mind around what kind of people do things like this.
And then, brag and lie to cause more damage. All while, taunting and laughing about the harm they have caused.
The majority of the people who entered our home were not good people. Not by any stretch.
And I want to know why it doesn't matter that we did not do as we were accused. I need to know why lies are preferred to the truth.
Where is our justice? Where is our protection?
I have been God's tool for so long. I usually don't ask why. I am usually a willing servant.
I guess this is just one of those times where it hurts too much, the cost so very high.
I can honestly say that I do not do as I do in anticipation of some reward. I do not think God should have to pay us to do as we should.
Streets of gold and jewelled mansions in the sky mean nothing to me.
Never have.
What I resent more than anything is coming to the place of "If Only." Which is an accounting of "If Only" I had not done these other things for others I would have enough for me and mine.
I hate the "If Only" place.
I hate that some people through their actions can cause me to wish I had never done anything for anyone.
I really hate the way I feel right now. I know that no matter what I do or don't do God and his truth will stand. I know that nothing can or will make me stop believing.
But some of my belief does not jive with what might get another through their trials and tribulations.
The whole reward system for one.
And I am a little pissed at Him. I mean do I always have to be the pony that everyone rides? Must it always be so fucking tough? It hurts and I want it to stop.
I want my family back together. And I have zero ability to even pretend that everything will be okay.
Because right now it does not feel like it will ever be okay again.
Today has not been a good day. And for those who read this with glee and delight that I am finally getting mine? Pray tell WHAT did I ever do to you!?!
And know that I would wish upon you every blessing or curse you have ever wished for me. May you live your life upon those blessings and curses. Rich or scant.
Yes, that is what I would wish. If, I were like you.
But, I am not.
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My old minister used to tell us ,"give it to God" I didn't understand until I was going through something pretty painful (M/C#2) I was angry thinking Why me? then I looked around the room at the other women in the clinic and asked myself which of them would I give this pain and hearbreak to?None. Came back to, why not me. anger is a reasonable reaction to an unreasonable situation. The "give it to God " part is give your feelings back to him and let him carry you . Small comfort I know and if I could take some of your pain and frustration I would , sadly I can't ,but he can. Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteI can only say I echo Fern. There is no use in "why me?" because it WAS you. Why you are a target is beyond me but, as my MIL said one time, jealousy is a nasty thing to harbour and nurture. Just allow yourself to vent and move on forward. I think you have hit bottom and now the only way is up. Hugs and all that. And to Micah. He needs it.
ReplyDeleteLate to the party as usual! I have to agree with phaedra and Fern. Drop it. Leave it. Just move on already.
ReplyDeleteThose with an ever dull ax to grind can find some other stone to use. And they will. Trust me. They will!
Not that their new target deserves it, but wait until the hunters have now become the hunted. Won't be such a fun game anymore to them. Then they will likely come begging for forgiveness. Granted or not, they will have walked in your shoes, knowing full well, just how it feels.