Destiny

It has been awhile since I have shared here. I can only say, that I was immersing myself in the supposedly mundane details of day to day life.
And sometimes, it wears me out thinking of how to arrange the words.
That they may be taken as they were meant in the intent of the giving.

The world is filled with mysteries. But the magic is certainly not gone from it.
It amazes me when I read old tracts and references to beliefs that are designed to shape the beliefs of the reader.
I find most of the manipulation offensive. As, they are not only based on lies, but by their very design, created to confuse and in doing so grant power to the confuser.

Peoples beliefs can be a most precious treasure. In that they are an initiation of faith. Whatever that faith may prove to be.

I do not know why so many of us wander and wonder based on why. When why is simply another word for the journey to arrive at the destination of understanding.
Otherwise known as, the place of discernment.

The Church has the ability to anger me more than almost any other belief management program.
Because the church is filled with lies and people who do not think to question.
And it is often fear based.
The Bible as it is presented today in it's many different interpretations is another source of frustration for me.
Mostly because it has been manipulated by man in what seems to be a direct challenge to God.
Good thing God has a rather remarkable sense of humor.

Why I am writing this? Here? Today? Because I felt rather compelled to do so. And because I am tired of seeing children cheating themselves based on what someone else or several someones have presented as absolutes. To suit their own agenda.

There has been so much unnecessary pain and twist. Over power. True power is to be found in the strength of your beliefs. Again, whatever they may be.
Because that is what is true for the individual who holds them.

Some people would call that a conscience. I prefer to call it a compass. And not unlike, snowflakes, no two are exactly alike.
Were that true? There would be no variation of color in this tapestry of life in which we all represent a strand or two in the weave of.

I would like to challenge all who read this to do one thing. Be true to yourself. Value the compass that is uniquely your own.
I promise the rest will become so much more clear.
Because it is your Destiny.

People

I read something today that had me a little irritated. And then, it made me laugh.
People and horses have been my psychology professors.
And you know what?
We don't all click.

Sometimes, people are just too strong for me. Too needy. Too consumptive. The only way I can explain it is some people are very discordant in their emotional harmonies. And they just set my teeth on edge and my last nerve ajangle.
And politeness dictates that you cannot just say, oh for fucks sake will you get away from me!?!"

Many of the horses that have come into my life have suffered this same difficulty.
People who determine to have them because of how they think they will feel if they can master this beast.
And they end in a ditch or some other place.

I believe it is essential to have a good understanding of your own self. Before you take your show on the road soliciting investors.
Because that is what you are doing when you determine to create or enlarge your social group.

There are many things in life that cannot, and therefore, should not be forced. Relationships are at the top of the list.
I like my men and my horses the same way. Solid and reliable. And relatively easy keepers.
I can live without all of the flash. And choose to.
My children are like colts. A world of potential and it is a given that they will pull their fair share of stupid shit. But the theory is they will grow up and into themselves someday.

My business relationships are defined by fair dealing or we are done. And please do not ever fuck me over that I feel inclined, why downright honor bound even, to return the favor.
If, I can't trust you? I don't want you.

My friends? Are my one and only frivolity and luxury. It is my treat and my pleasure to be in those relationships.
So if, too needy and too consumptive are defining characteristics of a person?
Chances are they do not qualify as a friend in my world.
They should allow tax deductions for dependents that one has not given birth to.
Thank God I still have my sense of humor.
In fact, that is one of my defining characteristics.

So slash my tires, lie, write in what you believe to be a very cleverly disguised manner, and in general make a nuisance of yourself.
That defines you. Not me. And goes a very long way towards explaining why you did not make the cut.
Because, as I stated, if I cannot trust you? I do not want you.

I am and have always been truly blessed in my friends. I suffer from no confusion as to who they are.
I also know what kind of friend I am.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Who Do I Hate...and why.

No one. Takes too much time and effort. And there is no one who is worth the sacrifice of your soul. At least, not if you hate them.
I get annoyed.
And there are some people that I might wish would fall into a very deep hole.
But hate?
Uh huh.

Hate is expensive. And consuming. It colors everything. And not in the best of light.
It is ugly.
And causes the hater to become ugly as well.

So, there is the answer to the question of who do I hate. And why.

Lessons and Blessings. Counting them both...

This past week has cemented much for me in my understanding of many things. The lessons are not so hard to take when you are able to recognize the blessings that accompany them.

I have some amazing friends. Who do the most amazing things when I am not expecting it.
Things that let me know they are thinking of me. Things that let me know that they have taken time out of their day to brighten mine.
Kind and supportive words. The sharing of ideas. And allowing me to take good long looks at them when I need to because sometimes people scare me.

And sometimes, when I look closely, I am stunned by what others seem to have missed.
Maybe because it is more precious to me.
The gifts of true friendship are gold to me. And treated and treasured as such.

There have been a few who have stopped at nothing in their attempts to take this from me.
I guess they don't realize that they cannot.
And there has been much complaining about why her? Why does she get this precious treasure?
Because I am blessed. There is no other explanation.

Except maybe one. I do not have a jealous or covetous heart. I love my friends and want the very best for them.
The very best...

And I think maybe that shows. Because it isn't something that can be faked. I know this because they make me feel the same way.
I can't count the times I have been humbled by an email or a phone call.
My family takes great joy in bringing me the mail these days.
And I am their TV.

Watching me rub my face in the fleece of fly masks made with thought and care for me and mine. After squealing loud and long in excitement.
Reading a letter over and over and putting it in my keepsake box.
Having 2 friends work together to see me get another gift I very much wanted. But could not afford.

Having people say, "I sure wish you lived closer to me." And saying those same words to others.
And knowing that they are meant.

I have said it before, humbling me is as simple as an act of kindness. Acts of leverage or attempts to use me as your poster child of Look at Me! Look what I did for the societal reject?
Not even remotely the same. Those are offerings meant to demean and destroy.
I can recognize the difference. And so can others.

When I do something for a friend or anyone I have also made the determination to do it quietly. And in good faith that I did what I felt was right.
There is no expectation of payment for that. Nor, do I publicize it.
Sometimes people need help. Why would I attempt to shame them for doing so all while claiming to be their savior?
That is not a savior or a friend. That is an opportunist.

I find it offensive that anyone would look at my situation and determine to break up my assets of love and friendship like some at risk airlines pension fund in a hostile buyout.
See? I told you my friends are gold. To do the above and claim to be one is an insult. To everyone involved.

And here is another thought. People are attracted to and by different things. My friends. My man. My business associates.
All of them see something in "me." Something that attracts them to "me."
How hard is that to understand? Unless, you are the predator attempting to raid my hen house.
Well...the three little pigs were not buying the program and neither am I.
So huff and puff away.
My house stands...
And it is golden.

Have a Wonderful Sunday everyone...

At What Price Are You Bought And Sold?

I have found the empty words "I Love You" have always been a mainstay in the selling of ones soul, honor, pride, dignity.
It starts early. The planting of those seeds.
The harsh words said with no thought for how they may affect. GO AWAY!!! BE QUIET!!! IF YOU DON'T STOP CRYING I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!!!
How stupid can you be!?! I do not even want to look at you.
What is wrong with you?

Why do people say things like this to children? Have they forgotten how bewildering and hurtful they can be?
And here are some more. Do you really NEED that? If you eat that you are going to get fat. Why can't you be like your sister? What is wrong with you? I just don't know what to do with you.

Well...I went away because you told me to. I did it quietly. I cried myself to sleep and I did not hear you call. And now you are only beating me because you love me and I scared you.
I am very stupid and I am sorry. I am crying because you are hurting me and now I have a stutter because every time I try to answer one of your questions you slap my face.
So no...I don't know what is wrong with me. And I don't want to look at you either when you are screaming and hurting me because it scares me.

I have not even begun and I am thinking already that being raised by wolves is looking better by the minute.

Now let's review. I am stupid. I am fat. I will never be as good as my sister. And there must be something terribly wrong with me because you want me to go away, and you don't want to look at me. You appear to gain some enjoyment from giving me something to cry about judging by the frequency with which you do.

Who sends this kind of a message to a child? This is the part where the reader needs to remember I am not alone.
I am neither the first, nor unfortunately, will I be the last, to have heard these words.

Small wonder by the age of 18 I had a drug addiction, was anorexic and bulimic, I was doing a rather stellar job of overcoming the stutter though.
I had also been majorically on my own and responsible for my own support for about 3 years by that time.
Met many more predators, and been disillusioned completely with regard to the concept of family.

I also had a pretty good clue what was wrong with me too. I was surrounded by some seriously fucked up people. And the reality is, they were people. Long before they were assigned an honorary title involving the care and governance of me.

Still a sucker for the empty phrase "I Love You" though.

To this day, if I allow it, I can still hear the words. And to this day, even with full knowledge of the portions that had nothing to do with me, it can still hurt, if I allow it.
When I am stressed, tired, or have anxiety about how what I say may be received, I stutter.
Thanks Mom. Talk about a gift for life. But hey you kept your word. Because you sure did give me a lot to cry about.
Kiss kiss and I love you too. And I still don't know what is wrong with me I am working on it though.

I forgave a long time ago. The forgetting doesn't come so easy though. Mom eventually overcame her prescription drug habit. That was cool. I am proud of her.
She still can't stand the sight of me though.
Because she remembers too. And it makes her sick. So, I guess we both know how bad it really was.
The good news is, it is all in the past now.
That sounds so simple doesn't it?

The problem is, I can't take a bath, shave my legs, push up the sleeves of my shirt, or look in the mirror without remembering just how much I was loved.

I did eventually learn to duck. And there did come a time when I fought back.

We have a rule in my family. The family and the rule I made. Hands are for helping not hurting. It is huge...
We have some rowdy tempers and we may yell and say some harsh things to each other from time to time.
But hands are for helping not hurting...
And that is simple. As simple as saying it and meaning it. And why would anyone want to make their babies cry?
That part is the most simple. Just don't do it...

Stars In My Crown...And Letting Them Shine...

I don't know about anyone else but...when I was a kid Alice in Wonderland scared the shit out of me.
I was partially raised by someone who had some untreated mental illness and a prescription drug habit gone bad.
There were some crazy scenes in real life that involved me apparently not being The Queen. Whatever the hell that meant.
For some reason that seemed to be a reoccurring theme. Wicked stepmothers, Mommy Dearest types, and some random players that I never did understand who or what they might be channeling.
So, Alice in Wonderland seemed a whole lot more like some type of subliminal warning than a good read to me.

Since losing another treasure some of this has been on my mind. Can't seem to outwork or outrun it.
Let's just summarize and say I prefer my faerytales with happy endings. Or, is it beginnings?
Well...I think people know what I mean.

And have you ever noticed that no matter how bad the bad there is always good mixed in?
The new farm. That is huge. The house is beautiful. So much closet space for a girl who has not had more than 3 little closets total in the last 4 dwellings.
I think He heard me. There was much bitching, praying, and despair over lack of storage issues.
Scratch think and change it to "know."
I hope he hears my prayers for the grand old house that has embraced my family for the last few years.

And today I get an email. And the person who wrote it told me to put the stars in my crown and let them shine.
OMG!!! Can I just say that after I gathered the courage to come out from under the table(call it a flashback)I decided it was finally safe to do just that.
I hope she knows that she is definitely one of them.

I am tired of being afraid to just declare my position. Being fearful of the consequences of letting anyone in. Because God only knows what tomorrow may bring.
You see my biggest weakness is also my greatest strength. Gift or curse I have always been able to love. Even with a complete absence of trust.
I just do it quietly.
I ran out of cheeks to turn what seems like eons ago.

I think what is really weighing on me is a promise I made. It seems so much more pressing these days. Here in the now.
Over the years and even now, people have been after me to write the book.
I won't lie I had many reasons to put it off. Not wanting to revisit some of those places ranking very high on the list of why not now.
The thing is, I do not want to lose one more treasure to this thing we as people sometimes do to each other.
And even if, I were able to start and finish tomorrow, and everyone read it tomorrow, there will still be more loss. I just might not know the names.

And I do not know about anyone else but I am more weary of the loss than I am afraid of the consequences these days.
Another friend has often stated, "no one gets out free."
That is a huge truth. And a sometimes, devastating one. And in part, a bit of what has made me say, if only to myself, "Why Bother? Nothing you do will ever change that."

The thing is, I am not alone in this. I have never been alone in this. Child abuse is a terrible thing. With lifelong consequences.
For all parties.
There sure has been a lot of mileage come from the whole "Don't Tell" themes.
Maybe, I can't. Stop it. But maybe...just maybe...I can help someone else survive it.

And for all of you wonky bitches that lurk here, there, and everywhere I seem to be?
Newsflash...I see through you like clear glass.
It is just unfortunate that you chose to become what you at some point suffered.
Because you obviously did not get out free or you would not be burdened by such hate.

It has been a long time coming and thank God I have a fabulous therapist to keep me sane through this trip.
Like I said, the whole Alice in Wonderland thing scares the shit out of me.

Fern if there is anything to divvy up you can have a sizeable chunk to put wherever you think it will best serve.
I can't think of or do everything myself. And thank God and good friends I don't have to...

*places MY crown firmly on my head and declares self a princess* Commences waiting for others to do the same.

Hey Girl...I am going to be missing you...

I remember Christmas. Or, was it the gathering of the jackals? Laugh long and loud and just don't care.
It was always Christmas for us wasn't it?

We who never quite came up to snuff. And we both got silk jackets. And everyone was watching and ohhhing and ahhhing. Wasn't it funny? Even when they came close to getting it right it could never be a fit.

Because they never bothered to look close enough to see who was who.

I remember our babies lying side by side on their kingsize bed. One dark and one light. And both so very beautiful. They could not see that either.
Oh well...

I remember your laughter. How it lit up your eyes before bubbling over. And there was no stopping us then.
No apologies from you. There never should have been. No harm and no foul.
Not from you. Never from you.

Well...even though, I know it was never your plan, they are crying now. Their big crocodile tears. You were such a wonderful person you know.
I always knew that. I hope I always let you know that...

I do not know how Ray will go about from here. We shall have to wait and see. Aaron left much of this far behind. It would be my hope that he continues to do so.
Lauren? Hmmmm...it is my hope that mine will bring comfort to your's.

No one told me. Big surprise that. I would have come you know. No...it was the Old Man drinking and weeping that spilled to my girl.
Self-pity, so sad, stock in trade when things go wrong. /and the guilt gets the best of him.

I always laughed with you. I was always warmed by you. And I always admired your beautiful spirit.
And if, I am ever called upon to do so, those are the things I will share with your babes.

I am sorry that it hurt so bad. I am sorry that it never quite worked the way you hoped. Mostly, I am sorry that you are gone.
But I loved you then. And I love you now. And I will say more than one prayer that you found peace. And a place where you are known as you really are.

In loving memory of my sister Naomi...