Internet Therapy. Sharing and Healing on The World Wide Web.

I am cooking. Which requires, I stay near the kitchen. And I am feeling reflective. And pondering what I have seen over the last several months here.
And contemplating, whatever, no matter how small, my role may have been. And how, it may affect the outcome.

Because, I mostly, not always, do read for comprehension.
I read between the lines.
It is most often, where I find what I am really looking for.
Which is, understanding.

What do I see? The one possible good benefit of anonymity. Not incredibly different from any type of, theoretically, anonymous self-help group.
Except here, again theoretically, you do not have to put your face on it.
I see people, exposing some of the hurt that has shaped both, them, and their opinions.

That is why, I spend my time between the lines, in a similar fashion, I presume here, to The Turd Burglar.

I had been asking a question. Of myself. And a few others. If, horses heal us, WHY are there so many maladjusted, angry, and sometimes, not very nice people, associated with them?
Horses, I mean.

I think because horses are an unusually expensive pursuit. As well as, one you can NEVER completely plan for.
And a whole lot of people want the experience. Cost be damned...
And sometimes, based on that, bad things happen.

In this instance, and for what I am referencing, I believe horses were just the catalyst of all that has followed.

I think that the angry people who attempted to piss all over my party? Were two things. Angry that I was doing something that they could not.
As well as, possibly, based on, their own experience. Terrified that I would fail. As, so many others have.
And I don't believe what I have just used as an example, fell necessarily in that order.
And I am okay with that. Even though it wasn't always couched in the friendliest of terms.

That is just a small part, of what, I have learned, reading between the lines. And I also believe, that the most rabid opposition came from two sources. People who were concerned but did not have the financial ability to help.
And some other rescue operatives who were concerned that I may cause some of the donating public to swing my way.
And that would, theoretically, leave less, for them. Perish the thought. Or, me. In this case, I believe the plan was for both.
Kill the idea and by association my ability to succeed.

Well, that didn't work.

But, I have seen so much on these internet boards. Pain seems to be leading the pack in the race for expression.
A desire to be heard and understood, a close second.
Attempts to bring and share humour, is in 3rd.
And the bringing of abuse? While leaving the gate first and holding the lead for quite some time.
Seems to have faded.
Can I exclaim, "HALLELUJAH"?...
More a deeply felt and meant exhalation. Daily.

Mental Illness can be ascribed to anything that has affected one deeply and in a lasting manner.
You think about it, it makes you feel unwell, and at this moment, you, yourself, do not have the ability, to resolve it.
No one escapes some type of diagnosis by the prescribed manner of testing today. Testing today is created in such a manner as to profile.
What is wrong with you. Do you need medication. And are you a danger to self and others.
Those are the most basic premises of testing today.

I just wanted to be clear about that... We all have some aspect of mental illness subject to definition.

And when we share the things that have affected us? Deeply and profoundly. From anonymity to anonymity?
We find that we are not, ALONE.
We never really were. We just were not as inclined to share some of these things with people we know. Translation? People who think they know us.

And do I believe it is possible to form relationships based on this? Real ones? Yes. Why? Think of every war, that has ever been fought.
All those people who would have never met otherwise. The 18 year old kid, who would probably never have been to Germany, Japan, France, Afghanistan, on his own income.
Who would have never had an opportunity to have a hands and eyes on view of the other side.
And who has had to trust, his, or her life, to people, he, or she, may have never known before boot camp.

I see these internet wars in a similar manner. Wars on ignorance. Battling to be heard and understood.
Hell, maybe even fighting to be accepted for who you are. As you are.
So, in some instances, I disabuse the idea, of anonymity being "BAD".
I see it more as a bulletproof vest and a mask. Until, you get the all clear to step into the light.
And I forgive. I forgive the attacks from anonymity.
Because, they were based in ignorance.

And there has been healing in these wars for me. Was it easy? Oh Hell Fucking NO!!!
It was NOT.
Talk about walking through fire.
I did not have anonymity. So, it was a lot like what I would think open heart surgery would be, without anesthesia.
I don't have any secrets anymore. No part of my past is private. And subject to interpretation and misrepresentation of facts, I was made to be even worse than, I am.
But, I lived.
And I learned. A very great lot. Because, I am not alone. In making any type of mistake. I am just not that special. Or, unique.

Where I have an opportunity to be special or unique? Is in the addressing of this. Funny thing is? I have no real desire to be alone in that either.
But, I also realize, that people heal at their own pace.

So, for now. I just want to be a farmer. I want to break open and work hard ground. Work the soil into something more amenable to growth. And plant some seeds. And nurture those seeds as I am able.
Without artificial enhancements.
Because, I will tell you this, a life without secrets? Can be a beautiful thing. Because, it can translate into, a person without shame.

I used to hoard my personal shame. No explanations ever offered. And whatever another thought of it? Could never come close to what I thought of it.
Shame is a tool to abuse yourself with.
And I was very into self-abuse.
I hated myself, more than, anyone else ever could.
And it made me very sick. That self-created cancer of the soul.
And I should like, to Thank Everyone, who played any part in making me see, that while, I had done some of what I had been accused. I certainly had not done all.
And I was not the person I made myself out to be in my own mind.

And The Truth Shall Set You Free!!! Free At Last! Free at Last. Thank God Almighty, I am Free At Last...

If, I could have one wish for the people reading this, and have it granted. It would be that you would receive the same gift.
To be free. Free of whatever causes you to be sick. Free of unresolved personal issues. The ones that hurt you. And cause you to act, or feel, other than, as, you are.
That would be the gift I would wish for you.

And I will wait patiently. While, you work at your own pace to get there. I will, however, share an added incentive.
The water is fine. Very fine indeed. Jump on in...

Happy Easter Everyone.

What Happened To Safety First???

I was checking out one of the other sites. After being referred to it by an email from a concerned party.
So, you have a bunch of horses. And you invite a class of school kids out to see them. And you allow them to go into paddocks and pens with multiple horses and no halters to groom.
Brilliant...
I am sure it made a nice photo opportunity. And we all know how important THAT is to some.
But seriously, what in the blazes were you thinking?
No helmets. Kids with loose horses. And someone with a camera.
I do not care if the horses in question were old enough to have pulled a cart across the desert with Moses in it.
Really not cool!
I am so tired of the complete disregard for safety. There is a reason why most barns that have horses post an "Inherent Risk" sign disclaiming liabilty for injuries.
Animals have minds of their own. Things CAN and often DO happen.
In this case, not having a mishap, was more due to luck than, any type of precautionary method.
This place states on their site that they are still learning as they go.
I hope they learn not to take chances with other peoples children in the very near future!!!

Considering The Source...

Why would a person even credit the words of a uncredible source? Now, there is a thought...
Especially, when the news is, as old as, Stale Bread.
Filled with inconsistencies.
And slathered with a made it up as you went kind of spread.

I have said it before. And I will say it again. You want change? Paying lip service isn't going to effect it.
Providing an insider, in the know, gushy gossipiness type of story, accomplishes exactly what?

Timely real world Facts.
I care about those.
I am interested in those...

I find nothing but cheap entertainment in the reading of some other presenters thoroughly well expressed lack of knowledge on their subject material of choice.
Wow... Did that sound incredibly self-impressed and elitist?
Cool...

It serves no purpose for me to linger over the words of those whose intent is to deceive. If only themselves. Their lack of credibility has already been established.
Repeatedly...

So, in considering the source(s)? I have rejected the concept of learning anything of value from them.
I have no desire to become deliberately confused on a myriad of subjects and levels.
By reading with any real consideration the words of anyone I already know to be a truth challenged and morally bankrupt sycophant of The B List.
And as, I am of a non-discriminatory inclination, I am referring to author and poster alike.

It is a frightening thought to me. That there are those who cannot retain the information presented long enough to post about it with anything remotely resembling accuracy.
I should be thrilled.
As I have over a short course been assigned at least 3 new identities. I can only assume because all 3 parties have a first name beginning with the letter D.

These are not rebels without a cause. These are rebels without a clue...

The World Is Not My Oyster. It Is A Chocolate Cupcake...

I am exhausted. Truly there are days that one wonders what is the point? I read where my other blog when googled now comes up before Martin Luther King Jr.
And that is so whack!
As the new generation says.

It did not give me a sense of self-importance to read that. It made me feel very sad.
I could live to be, Oh Forever. And Ever Again.
And nothing I have said. Wrote. Or done. Will ever. Carry. The significant. Magnitude.
Of that...

What does that say about us? As people. Or google? That trash talk. With a hidden meaning. Holds a greater appeal?
Than the single. Most important thing.
Equality...
In humanity...

Arrived at. By one. If not. THE. Single most dignified act.
Of rebellion.
And Resistance.

Against. And to. Intolerance.

Where have they all gone? Those quiet. And dignified. Protesters. With their beautiful. And intact. Sense of self.
Those supposedly unworthy of consideration individuals.
Who when they quietly said, "No, I will not".
The Earth shook...

No the world is not my oyster. To crack. And to eat. I am too small. And undignified.
But this chocolate cupcake. With white frosting. And yellow sprinkles.
And periwinkle ones too.
This I will eat.

Comfort food? Maybe.
Maybe it is a celebration cake. All things in moderation type of thing.
Because too much of any one thing?
Will eventually.
Make you.
Sick...

Who was it who wrote the words? "No. No I will not. Go quietly. Quietly In to The Good Night"!
I won't you know. It isn't my nature.

But for now? I am just going to eat this cupcake. Because it is mine. The rest of you?
Well you will probably just have to get your own.

Let's Get Over Ourselves Shall We!?!

It is my experience that everyone has their own preconceived notions and ideas. And issues...

Poor Turd Burglar. You have been overworked lately haven't you.

Well, I apologize for my part in this.



I would like to say, before any one' ego over inflates. MyHorseWearsPrada made a simple point in her posting that got my attention.
In that it was time.

It was very clear. Because it wasn't muddied up with scream type or insult.



So, I pulled the private card. And put most everything in Draft.



Because the point is. The rage isn't who I am. It was more a costume donned to prove the point. The only good thing about the anonymity factor? Is when you slip up and go to the crazy place? Or the angry and profane or abusive place? You think it doesn't follow you in real life. Because nobody knows who you are. But it does.

Because it becomes a part of you.

And at the very least, a part of how you process internally.

It has a very real power to affect your outlook on life.



It saddens me how many will attack under the guise of anonymity. Because I recognize that for what it is. You.

All of you who post such ugly and hurtful things about people you don't even know.

And then, when you try to up your credibility in the world of anonymity, and theoretically, try to establish abuse as deserved, to comfort all the other people who may be recognizing their own slip and re-engage them, CLAIM to KNOW the individual that is the subject IN REAL LIFE?

Well YOU frighten ME!

And there are those of you who do that.

Just as I stated about the whole expert opinions expressed on the SHR photo shopping thing.

IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO ESTABLISH THAT KIND OF EXPERTISE WHILE REMAINING ANONYMOUS... And no, that isn't meant as screaming at anyone. People have a tendency to look at the big stuff. It grabs the eye if you will.



This blog has simply been an exercise. A study if you will. To prove or disprove my theory about people.

And the internet.

And people+internet+anonymity.

And what that equation can create.



And you know what? Some people don't change no matter where they present themselves. Good and bad.

There are a few that I would even like to know in real life.

And there are some? That I only want to know who they are that I may see them coming.

And avoid them.



I would like to point one other thing out. To the attention needy posters. Another equation.

I am something of a freak for numbers.

50,000 readers+10-30 posters does not necessarily mean it is about your contribution as a poster.

Because the numbers used to be much higher.



Another factor of anonymity is the reader. How many people advertise that they like and/or are addicted to pornographic content? How many politicians have we seen advertise that they like little boys, prostitutes, and/or drugs? How many have we later learned these things about after they are in office? The Catholic Church has some of these same problems. Unfortunately, most every walk of life does. Deviancy does not discriminate based on social or income level.

Which is why, I have always referred to some of the blogs as the guilty little secret of some.



It is my personal theory, that readers may choose to enjoy watching other anonymous individuals spiral out of control.

Why? Because in the land of anonymity it isn't necessary to be a responsible citizen.



As so many have pointed out, for varying reasons, there is no real enforcement of the rules on some of the message boards.

Which, has led some to interpret, that there are no rules period.



It is like reading the Enquirer with dirty words. Or that one that always advertises the most ludicrous things. Aliens, half-human half-wolf 100 year old woman gives birth to twins.



Interesting read? I hope so. Notice the absence of anything? My husband says, I am a profiler.
I like to know what is going on in the world I and my family live in. To do that I have to do much research.
I won't lie. Unresearched opinions? Mean nothing to me other than what percentage of the people living in the world have them. Because it represents another number for me.
The number of truly ignorant people in the world.
And what part ignorance plays in so much of what is wrong with the world today.

If you think you know me? And you haven't sat at my table for a meal ever? I guarantee that you do not know me well enough for me to ever stop surprising you.

Saint or Sinner? Perfect??? NEVER!!!

I will be the first to admit, that I qualify as, a sinner. I am also, human. As, a human, when, I set a goal for myself, sometimes, I fail. I know the Devil must do a dance everytime this happens.
Bingo, we have a repeat offender. SINNER!!! DING!!! DING!!! DING!!!

Does that make me a hypocrite?
Maybe...

I always liked that song by Meredith Brooks, "Bitch". It just said it all for me. As, a woman, I really got it.

There are none of us perfect. But, I really make an effort to never make a victim. Making a victim involves abusing an innocent party.

So, is it hypocrisy? To not act, or speak, as you have said, you intend to. Or, is it human imperfection?
Is it hypocrisy, to post kindly, and supportively, under a screen name? All while, slicing and dicing under the anonymous option?
Is it hypocrisy, to say, that you have not done something, that you, very provably have?

What I am really wondering is this. Why is it, that what happens under any guise of anonymity, on the internet, even matters?
Because unfortunately, there is a deception factor. That one is really interesting. I am going to cause some paranoia for someone today. Because if, I say/post anything, someone somewhere will believe it.
I am going to control something. Hmmmm...
Why?
Is your life so meaningless? Why do some delight, in the thought, that they are causing someone unknown to them, any type of discomfort or pain?

One life lesson that has proven invaluable in my recovery, as a human being and as an addict, is as follows.
What may be true today, may not prove true tomorrow. Your friend today may become your enemy tomorrow.
I used to have a hard time with that last one. But then, I learned that people do not grow at the same pace. And that made it more okay. Not quite, so personal. And there are the friends you have for a lifetime. So, it all evens out.

I know why I do what I do. Just as, I know that I am sometimes wrong. But, I do not make victims.
So, with specific regard to, the rather small group I am referring to. Why do you? Do that nasty little thing you do?

One other actually important thing. Out of respect to the other blog authors and posters. It would seem that if you have a bitch about something here? You should post it here.
Fugly Wench of the Day isn't titled "No Up Your's". That is not your place to bitch about me. Because guess what? It isn't about me.
I can't go to an open forum that I enjoy and post anything without some brainiac having to swing it to me.
It isn't possible for me to make someone elses blog about me.
There are some I won't even be returning to because of all the attention whore crap.
Because I am not very good at ignoring shit thrown my way. Another one of my many failings. Because I am soooo perfect you know...

Thank GOD!!! IT"S THE WEEKEND!!!

I am going riding. Finally... I have nothing I WANT to be angry or bitchy about... I'mmmm gooooooing riiiiiiiiiddddiiinng.
WHOOOOOT!!!
WHOOOOOT!!!
YIPPY CAYIYAH!!!
I am so excited. Several opportunities to eat dirt, be thrown into the dirt, wish you had landed in the dirt, and in general, wear a lot of?
Yep, you guessed it, "DIRT"...

Winter has been far too long... I am looking forward to walking funny, sitting soft, and all the aches and pains.
I really hope that everyone will take a look at the other blog. Because that is where I put all the good stuff.

And I will see you all later. Because IIIIIIII AAAMMMMMM GOOOOOOOOIIIINNNNG RRRRRIIIIIIIIIDDDDDIIIIINNNNNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have an awesome weekend everyone...