Struggling here...

I am trying so hard to remember hate the sin and love the sinner. Or, maybe it is that I am struggling and failing in simply doing it.
I cannot wrap my mind around what kind of people do things like this.
And then, brag and lie to cause more damage. All while, taunting and laughing about the harm they have caused.

The majority of the people who entered our home were not good people. Not by any stretch.
And I want to know why it doesn't matter that we did not do as we were accused. I need to know why lies are preferred to the truth.
Where is our justice? Where is our protection?

I have been God's tool for so long. I usually don't ask why. I am usually a willing servant.
I guess this is just one of those times where it hurts too much, the cost so very high.
I can honestly say that I do not do as I do in anticipation of some reward. I do not think God should have to pay us to do as we should.
Streets of gold and jewelled mansions in the sky mean nothing to me.
Never have.

What I resent more than anything is coming to the place of "If Only." Which is an accounting of "If Only" I had not done these other things for others I would have enough for me and mine.
I hate the "If Only" place.
I hate that some people through their actions can cause me to wish I had never done anything for anyone.

I really hate the way I feel right now. I know that no matter what I do or don't do God and his truth will stand. I know that nothing can or will make me stop believing.
But some of my belief does not jive with what might get another through their trials and tribulations.
The whole reward system for one.
And I am a little pissed at Him. I mean do I always have to be the pony that everyone rides? Must it always be so fucking tough? It hurts and I want it to stop.
I want my family back together. And I have zero ability to even pretend that everything will be okay.
Because right now it does not feel like it will ever be okay again.

Today has not been a good day. And for those who read this with glee and delight that I am finally getting mine? Pray tell WHAT did I ever do to you!?!
And know that I would wish upon you every blessing or curse you have ever wished for me. May you live your life upon those blessings and curses. Rich or scant.
Yes, that is what I would wish. If, I were like you.
But, I am not.

I Don't Wonder.

My God is not for everybody. I would be more than willing to share. But sometimes people do not see what is right in front of them. And so they doubt. And blame. And attempt to discredit what they know nothing of.

My God is amazing. I do not know if he knows the number of hairs on my head. I do know that he has a sense of humor though. Lucky for me.
I do know that he hears my prayers. Even though, I do not always get the answer I may have been hoping for.

When things go bad I don't wonder why he abandoned me. I am so grateful that He is always with me.
Light or dark.

Recently I was devastated by a series of events that I could not understand. Mostly why was this happening.
I have lived through a lot. I have seen even more. But all of this had me on my knees.
Have you ever wondered what sound your heart might make as it is breaking? Don't. I pray that you never hear such.
It is the tinkling of broken glass and the roar of rending fabric. The quiet after is absolute.

Nothing is sacred when evil comes for you. And that which is sacred to you is the first to be threatened.
Material things do not mean much to me in the grand scheme of things. The thought behind them is what counts.

But one thing I will never in this lifetime bear again is having a child stolen from me. I cannot. You see, we all have limits. Places which we cannot be pushed beyond.
And I know my God knows this. I know this based on the one person that he sent to make sure that could not and did not happen.
And that too put me on my knees.

It would appear that I am once again to be brought into the arena with mine enemies.
Pussy bitches never did have the balls to come at me one at a time.
I moved 9 years and 6 counties away from what I thought would kill me. Apparently, I did not move far enough.
They left their bootprints on my "Bless This Home" sign. Fuckers.

Never forget that I am allowed to hate evil... I sometimes do wonder if this is exactly what he made me to do.
I will trust in Him. And who knows? Maybe this time he will allow me to unsheathe my claws. One can only hope. One can wish that it were never necessary.